Happy Feast of the Nativity (aka Christmas i.e. The Divine Liturgy of Christ) to our loyal readers and you unlucky saps who were searching for something serious and wound up here by accident.
Today the virgin gives birth to the incomprehensible one,
and the earth offers a cave to the unapproachable one;
angels and shepherds glorify Him;
the wise men journey with a star;
since for our sakes is born the eternal God as a little Child.
Merry Christmas! from Alex and Brigid
Copyright © 2014 Alex Riggle. All Rights Reserved.
TACOMA, Wash. – In a move that has sent shock waves through spleens north and south of the Mason-Dixon line, tenor Bob “Reader Alexiy (Alexiy the Tsarevich and Passion-Bearer (or Martyr, Depending Upon Whom You Ask))” Bridges of Holy Redirection Orthodox Church’s choir complained that he didn’t like the traditional Orthodox Christmas hymn, “When Augustus Ruled.”
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An advert rather similar to this was heard recently on Ancient Mirth Radio. The Onion Dome disavows all knowledge of its origin.
Announcer: The following is an actual Onionstar call.
SFX: phone ringing, connecting.
Operator: Hello, thank you for calling Onionstar. How may I help you?
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1. Just because we have “wine and oil” printed on our calendars does not mean we allow underage drinking. But help yourself to the olive oil.
2. We’d love it if you came to church, but saying that you “really dig the Medieval Times theme” probably isn’t going to help.
3. Similarly, you may notice that most of the women in our parish cover their heads in church. It’s up to you whether you want to do this, but please don’t complain, “The other damsels’ scarves are prettier than mine.”
4. If you want to have a date that goes past curfew, it had better be Pascha. And, you’ll have 200 shouting chaperones.
5. We’re working on getting our son to resist various seasonal temptations – for example, pride during sports season, anger during finals week, bacon cheeseburgers during Lent, gluttony during Pascha, and teeny bikinis during summer. Thank you in advance for your support.
6. If he tells you the Life of St. Mary of Egypt, but ends the story before the boat gets to Jerusalem, please slap him hard and send him home alone.
7. If, after dating for some time, you feel very strongly about our son, you should say, “I agape you,” and he can say, “I agape you, too.” At your age, not much more is appropriate yet.
8. If he gives you dried fruit for seven weeks instead of chocolate, please do not be offended. That’s just Lent.
9. We should watch My Big Fat Greek Wedding together, but think of it as a documentary rather than a rom-com. Everything but that part with the girl getting the engagement ring while wearing her bathrobe.
10. If you two decide to “stay through breakfast,” you’d better be talking about church coffee hour.
11. You’ve got a really lovely voice and the choir needs a strong soprano. Would you like to join?
12. Are you sure? We could really use you.
This report was filed by Recovering Reporter Thomas Eric Ruthford.
Copyright © 2014 Thomas Eric Ruthford. All Rights Reserved.