The Onion Dome: Orthodox News with a Twist

Orthodox Tweens Submit Complaints to School Board

May, 2008

Dear Members of the School Board (and Bishop Theodore):

We the undersigned hereby submit the following complaints on behalf of Orthodox Christian students everywhere. We’re not actually expecting any revel resol fix to our complaints, but Georgie’s yia-yia always writes to the president about why America should be more like the Old Country, and even though it doesn’t do any good she always seems happier afterwards. (We admit that it might work better if she wrote in English, but that isn’t the point.) Anyway, Rosie is rambling now so we’re going to take the pen away and sign this.

Sincerely,

     Lucas (“The guy who wrote that Gospel, remember?”) Marshall
     Georgie (“The WARRIOR-MARTYR! He was so cool and he fought a dragon and—Rosie, stop covering my mouth, I’ll stop already!”) Johnson
     Rosie (“Actually it’s Saint Photini, but that’s kind of a bleh name”) Athanasiadis
     Matt (“The guy who wrote that other Gospel”) Heuer
     Brad (“Yeah...Brad’s just my middle name. I’m really Eugene”) Mitropoulos
     Katy (“Saint Ekaterina the holy martyr and Grand Duchess of Russia”) Grigorovich

Our List:

  1. Pizza and ice cream parties on Fridays really suck. Why can’t we have them Thursdays? What’s so bad about Thursdays? WHO DECIDED TO BE PREJUDICED AGAINST THURSDAYS?! (Sorry, that was Katy. She wants to be a public advocate when she grows up.)
  2. We don’t care what you say, cheese pizza isn’t vegan. Although it is yummy. But why can’t you serve stuff like spaghetti without meat or PB & J’s? Seriously, how hard is it to give us peanut butter and jelly?
  3. And stop making us take milk with our hot lunch. It’s not cool. We can’t drink it half the year, and Georgie’s lactose intolerant anyway.
  4. Let us miss school for Holy Week. And Nativity. And any other holiday. Or just schedule classes around the church calendar. Duh.
  5. Stop making fun of us for crossing ourselves after the Pledge of Allegiance. It’s a habit, it just happens. Sorry.
  6. And stop teasing Georgie for kissing the principal’s hand. You might have thought he was the bishop too, if you woke up in math class with some giant bearded guy in black bending over you.
  7. You know how the Hispanic students club and African-American students club get elective credit for their weekly meetings? We’re going to start calling Sunday School an “Orthodox Study Club,” and we want recognition too. We’re a minority! (Blame Lucas for this idea. Nobody else is respansi responso to blame. But it would be pretty cool.)
  8. We also want later school starts, longer recess, more snow days, and free snacks. This isn’t related to us being Orthodox. Brad is just hungry, tired, and opper opportunistic right now. You should probably expect this. Partly ’cause it’s Brad, but mostly because there was a late-night vigil service at church last night, and you wouldn’t let us stay home to recover.

P.S. Thank you for listening—and yeah, Lucas, we do have to put that, it’s polite! We’ll tell your mom!

This report was filed by Onion Dome terce reporter Brigid Strait.
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