St. Catherine's Monastery on Mt. Sinai to Install High-Speed Quad Chairlift
February, 2010
Mt. Sinai, Egypt -- In a move greeted with dismay by some Really Real Orthodox Faithful, the monks at St. Catherine's monastery on Mt. Sinai have decided to install a high-speed quad chairlift to carry pilgrims to the top of the famous mountain.
"Let's face it," said monastery abbot Father Theodosios, "there are plenty of people who love God who are not mountain climbers."
"And they carry cash which could be used to pay for chairlift rides," added Brother Pecunios, the monastery's treasurer.
"Is outrage!" blurted Father Vasiliy Vasileivich, COROC spokesman and honorary president emeritus of Australia's elite Down Under Up & Over Mountaineers Club. "Was it high-speed quad chairlifts in Nineteenth-Century Mt. Sinai? No, it was not. Was very slow mono chairlifts. What am I saying? Was no chairlifts at all!"
"We had fewer pilgrims back then," sighed Fr. Theodosios. "The Ottomans taxed the heck out of pilgrims."
"You were there?" gasped your intrepid Onion Dome editor.
"No no," laughed Fr. Theodosios. "I've only been here since 1975. I was in a monastery in Palestine in the 19th Century," he added seriously.
your intrepid Onion Dome editor eyed Fr. Theodosios suspiciously.
"So, um, will pilgrims who ride the chairlift really have the same spiritual experience of the mountain peak as pilgrims who climb up the narrow, cliff-hugging, precipitous trail?" inquired your intrepid Onion Dome editor.
"Naaaah," admitted Father Theodosios. "Not even close. But then again people who can't climb can't have any experience of the peak at all," he added.
"He's got a point there," conceded your intrepid Onion Dome editor.
"What will be next?" fumed Fr. Vasiliy. "Glass underwater walkway in Red Sea? Gleaming cathedral at site of Holy Sepulcre?"
"Well, actually," began your intrepid Onion Dome editor.
"Hey, that walkway idea is pretty cool," enthused Brother Pecunios.
"How will the chairlift be powered?" inquired your intrepid Onion Dome editor.
"Solar cells," answered Brother Pecunios.
"Plenty of sun here," noted your intrepid Onion Dome editor, sweating profusely.
"You have a flair for the obvious," noted Brother Pecunios, wiping his brow.
"Helpful trait in a editor," suggested your intrepid Onion Dome editor.
"Nearly lunchtime," noted Father Theodosios. "Won't you join us?"
After a delicious lenten lunch which contained no tofu, during which lives of famous saints and abbots of the ancient monastery were read aloud, Fr. Vasiliy and your intrepid Onion Dome editor prepared to catch the Grayjackal back to Cairo.
"Thank you for lunch, and for a lovely visit," said your intrepid Onion Dome editor. "Good luck with the chairlift."
"Oy!" said Fr. Vasiliy.
"Come back soon! Keep us in your prayers!" said Fr. Theodosios.
The ancient bus rumbled up to the foot of the monastery path. your intrepid Onion Dome editor and Fr. Vasiliy climbed aboard, displaying their round-trip tickets to the weathered driver.
"They done with the chairlift yet?" inquired the driver.
"They're just breaking ground," informed your intrepid Onion Dome editor.
"I'm glad they decided on the chairlift," said the driver.
"Why's that?" inquired Fr. Vasiliy.
"At first they were going to save money by making it a rope tow."
The sound of a rimshot inexplicably filled the old bus as it pulled away from the waving monastics.
This report was first filed by yyour intrepid Onion
Dome editor in August, 2003.
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