SAN FRANCISCO – In a move that has yet to be analyzed by anybody, the Archangel Gabriel announced today that tolls at the post-death tollbooths on the way to heaven will be increased soon.

“We just can’t keep operating at a loss,” complained the Archangel. “The Angels haven’t had a pay raise since 1917, and the Demons’ Local 666 has threatened to strike if their wages aren’t adjusted to reflect changes in the cost of bodiless living over the last two millenia. So I’m sorry to announce that a simple onion won’t suffice anymore.”

The tollbooths in question are subject of heated debate in Orthodox circles; no less luminaries than Father Seraphim Rose and St. Theophan the Recluse were proponents of the theory; yet many other Orthodox leaders reject it outright.

“You got that straight, onion-breath,” said the always-polite Father Mikhail Nazgûl of the Holy Orthodox Splinter Sect of North America. “It’s gnosticism, plain and simple.”

“Not so fast,” objected Church Overseas of Russian Orthodox Christians (COROC) priest Father Vasiliy Vasileivich. “How can it be a heresy? It was proponed by Father Seraphim Rose of really, really, really blessed memory! How can it be a heresy?”

“Pish-posh. St. John Chrysostom didn’t believe the Theotokos to be sinless,” pointed out Father Mikhail.

“Get out of here,” suggested Father Vasiliy.

“It’s true. Even saints make mistakes,” averred Father Mikhail.

According to the tollbooth theory, human souls pass through a series of “tollbooths” or “tollhouses” after death, at which the various sins and good deeds they committed while in the body are weighed by the angels and demons to determine if the soul will pass on to heaven.

“Sounds like works righteousness to me,” opined Co-Pastor Isabella McMillian of the West Erie Toronto Blessing Fellowship.

“Sounds like Islam to me,” opined Father John Johnson of All Saints of Middle-Class North America Church.

“It sounds like stinking Gnosticism! What’s wrong with you people?!” shouted Father Mikhail. “IT SOUNDS LIKE GNOSTICISM BECAUSE IT IS GNOSTICISM!”

“I’m just pleased nobody has made the rather obvious joke about tollhouse cookies,” offered Professor Yeraslav Penguin of St. Vlad the Inhaler Seminary. “That one gets so old.”

“You just made it,” pointed out Father Vasiliy.

“What will the new tolls be?” inquired Father John Johnson.

“If I told you, it would kinda ruin the point,” offered the Archangel Gabriel.

“I suppose that’s true enough,” admitted Father John.

“There are no tollbooths! Do you hear me?! No tollbooths!” shrieked Father Mikhail.

“You’re just saying that because they’re a heretical gnostic invention,” suggested the Archangel.

“And your point?” demanded Father Mikhail.

“Give away more onions,” advised the Archangel.

Copyright © 2003-2011 Alex Riggle. All Rights Reserved.

“There are languages I never even knew existed!” said parishioner Barb (“–ara the Great Martyr”) Stimmelfeldt. “Where do they speak Quenya? In Kenya?”

“I thought the 17 Algonquin dialects were lovely,” said Stimmelfeldt’s husband, Joe (“—seph of Aramithea”). “And who knew that East Cleveland had its own language? Or that Bill Crawford could read it?”

As the fifth hour of readings came to a close with no let-up in sight, the parish priest, Father Martin (“of Tours”) Mbala allowed the congregation to sit, which got him into hot water with the newly illumined Thomas (“You’d better believe it”) Schoenfeld, who knows his canons and has the Rudder memorized “in the original Slavonic.”

“The Rudder was originally in Greek, not Slavonic,” noted Father Martin.

“Everything was originally in Slavonic,” said Schoenfeld.

Schoenfeld himself read the Gospel in Tagalog, Tamil, Thai, Tonga, Turkmen, and Ferengi.

Copyright © 2012 Alex Riggle. All Rights Reserved.

H/T to Father John

AR: Hello viewers, and welcome to Anaxios TV’s blockbuster new show, A Chat with an Orthodox Librarian. I am your host, Reader Alexis Riggle, and today we have on our show the infamous Father Vasiliy Vasileivich, official spokesman for COROC, the Church Overseas of Orthodox Christians, and pastor of Saints Boris and Gleb and Vladimir and Olga Russian Orthodox Church in Sydney, Australia. Welcome, Father Vasiliy.

VV: Is good to being here.

AR: You say that every time I interview you.

VV: I have permission from bishop to say little white lies.

AR: I’m not sure what to think about that.

VV: Before we are beginning interview, I have question.

AR: Yes?

VV: Are you librarian?

AR: Well, no, but I do own a lot of books.

VV: Does bishop know you are telling little white lies?

AR: We had meant to get a real librarian, but couldn’t talk one into coming on the show.

VV: Why am I not sur–

AR: So, Father V, why don’t you tell us about your new book, Borscht Soup for Orthodox Soul?

VV: –prised?

AR: I can’t believe you did that.

VV: How long have you been interviewing me?

AR: Oh, I don’t know, seven, maybe eight years?

VV: This was rhetorical question.

AR: Your book?

VV: Yes. In new book, Borscht Soup for Orthodox Soul, I have collected many inspirational stories of ordinary Orthodox person across English- and Russian-speaking world. These stories show–

AR: Why only the English- and Russian-speaking world?

VV: I cannot afford translator. Must you to interrupt?

AR: How long have I been interviewing you?

VV: – power of love of God and power of love between good Orthodox persons everywhere.

AR: Everywhere in the English- and Russian-speaking world.

VV: I am ignoring you now.

AR: Fine.

VV: Actually is not quite accurate to say only across English- and Russian-speaking Orthodox world. Some I steal from lives of Desert Fathers, some from Prologue of Ochrid.

AR: Isn’t that a copyright violation?

VV: Desert Fathers are dead for over one thousand years.

AR: Did you translate them yourself?

VV: Do I look like I am speaking Greek or Latin?

AR: What does somebody who speaks Greek or Latin look like?

VV: Hellenic or Roman, of course.

AR: What is the first story in your anthology?

VV: First story is called, “How to Live Your Podvig.”

AR: I thought these were feel-good stories about love. Isn’t a podvig a difficult and strenuous spiritual undertaking?

VV: I love difficult and strenuous spiritual undertakings. Do not you?

AR: I refuse to answer that on the grounds it might incriminate me.

VV: Tscha! Americans.

AR: Like Lady Gaga says, I was born this way.

VV: Ask about second story.

AR: What about your second story?

VV: I thought you never would to ask. Second story is, “Together, Achieving Our Olympic Podvig.”

AR: This podvig thing is quite a theme here.

VV: Yes.

AR: What’s an Olympic podvig?

VV: I am not sure. I am only anthologist, not author. But writer is from Greece, so maybe this is referring to mountain.

AR: You didn’t read it?

VV: I am busy man.

AR: How many of these books that you have published did you actually write?

VV: Third story is, “Follow Your Podvig.”

AR: What exactly does any of this have to do with Borscht?

VV: Borscht is comforting to body. These stories are comforting to soul.

AR: How is it comforting to read about somebody else’s podvig?

VV: When you are reading these stories, you are thinking, “This could to be my podvig. How comforting that my podvig is not so hard as this podvig is hard.”

AR: What if your readers have more difficult podvigs than the ones in the book?

VV: Then they are thinking, “How comforting to know that somebody has easy podvig. I was thinking they were all as hard as mine.”

AR: Maybe these podvigs are actually very hard to the people who wrote the stories?

VV: Then you are thinking, “How comforting that I am not only one with podvig that is hard to me.”

AR: You seem to have covered all the bases.

VV: You are forgetting home plate.

AR: Which is?

VV: If these podvigs are harder than your podvig, but these people find them easier than you find your wimpy podvig.

AR: And how is that comforting?

VV: Is not. This kind of person probably should not buy book.

AR: How do you know all these baseball metaphors? They don’t play baseball in Australia.

VV: When young, I spend one summer in Japan.

AR: Did you see the Nikolai-do?

VV: No, I am not enjoying the martial arts.

AR: I meant–

VV: I am knowing what you meant. I am pulling leg. Yes, I see beautiful Nikolai-do, and meet many beautiful Orthodox Japanese persons.

AR: Did you get any stories for your book from them?

VV: I was 17 years of the age. I did not know I would be writing–

AR: anthologizing

VV: –this book.

AR: Were you able to get any stories from famous authors, like Freddi Meadows-Green?

VV: Who?

AR: Is not important.

VV: My accent is rubbing off on you.

AR: Any last things you would like to say about your book?

VV: Only to say, please to buy. Is published by Anaxios Press, and is available at Orinoco.com, or fine brick-and-the-mortar bookstores everywhere, all five of them.

AR: Thank you, Father Vasiliy.

VV: Is pleasure.

AR: Is that a little white lie?

VV: Being polite to smarty-pants obnoxious American so-to-call-him editor is part of podvig.

AR: I’m glad you’re so polite.

VV: Yes.

AR: And that’s all for this week’s A Chat with an Orthodox Librarian. Be with us next week when we talk with Spanky Schiffer about his new book, And I Didn’t Much Like My Grandparents Either.

Copyright © 2012 Alex Riggle. All Rights Reserved.

After a lengthy hiatus, Father Vasiliy’s warm and personal touch once again graces our pages with another question-and-answer sesssion. Father Vasiliy is parish priest at Saints Boris and Gleb and Vladimir and Olga Russian Orthodox Church in Sydney, New South Wales, Australia, as well as official spokesman for the Church Overseas of Russian Orthodox Christians (COROC).

Dear Father Vasiliy:

This month on my church calendar I saw the feast of the Venerable Zacharia to the Rescue. What does that mean, “to the Rescue”? Was he a superhero? Did he save people?

Signed, Perplexed in Port Angeles

Dear Port Angeles:

You are not perplexed, only needing new prescription lenses. This is not Venerable Zacharia to Rescue, this is Venerable Zacharia, Recluse. Yes, he was superhero, because he was lover of God, and keeper of righteousness. And yes he saves people even now by most holy prayer. You could pray to holy Recluse while waiting in optometrist’s office for new lenses. Please to mention sinful Father Vasiliy.

Signed, Father Vasiliy.

Dear Father Vasiliy:

I am not Orthodox, but my mother is converting to Orthodoxy, and I’m terribly afraid she might be making a huge mistake. Please confirm that you believe in the Bible, and my mind will rest at ease.

Signed, Baptist in Bellevue.

Dear Bellevue:

Believe in Bible? We wrote Bible! What is more we know what it means, unlike some groups of so-to-call-them Christians whose interpretations of Bible are little more than three or four hundred years old, which I could name but I refrain. You join your very smart Mama on this trip, and come home to Church of Jesus and Apostles. We will keep light on for you.

Signed, Father Vasiliy.

Dear Father Vasiliy,

I don’t like tofu.

Signed, Tasteful in Toronto

Dear Toronto:

Who does? Orthodox fasting is not about eating what we are liking, but about seeking God. But please to try it floured and pan-fried, with steamed broccoli and oyster sauce.

Signed, Father Vasiliy.

Dear Father Vasiliy,

Why are shrimp considered vegetables in Orthodoxy?

Signed, Loophole Lover in Lakewood

Dear Lakewood:

This is employment security for writers of Orthodox question-and-answer columns. Ha ha! I make little joke. Some say that they were left off lists of forbidden foods so poor people could have source of protein. This however implies compassion on part of makers of rules, but we all know compassion comes from “com” meaning “with” and “passion” meaning “evil desire which drags one away from God,” so this cannot be true. Fact of matter is, decision is buried in rubble of ancient history and we will probably never know why shrimp are vegetables, at least in this life. Rumors that ancient fathers who made rules were heavily invested in harvesting and marketing shellfish and mollusks are surely probably completely false, presumably.

Signed, Father Vasiliy

Copyright © 2006-2012 Alex Riggle. All Rights Reserved.

SYDNEY, NSW, Australia – In a move presumably predicated primarily upon lack of movement, retailers the world over report that Orthodox Christians bought unusually high amounts of laxative medications in the first week after Pascha.

“Is to be expected,” opined Fr. Vasiliy Vasileivich, spokesman for the Church Overseas of Russian Orthodox Christians (COROC), and father of rising star Bug Vasileivichivich, a little-known Australian Christian rapper.

“-ivichivich?” asked our intrepid Onion Dome reporter.

“Yes. He’s a son of a vich,” said Father Vasiliy drily.

“I can’t believe you just said that,” said our intrepid Onion Dome reporter.

“All these people eat no meat for 56 days,” continued Fr. Vasiliy, quite ignoring our intrepid Onion Dome reporter, “and no cheese for 49 days. Then, all of suddenly, they are eating meat and cheese again. What are you expecting to be happening? If you say ‘nothing’ you are right. So, we are buying of purgatives.”

“Happens every year, mate,” opined retailer Marge Dinkum of Canberra. “Every year, right after Orthodox Easter, here come all these people with prayer ropes on their wrists and pained expressions on their faces.”

“Every year I tell myself I’ll ease slowly back into eating meat and dairy,” groaned Judy (“Greatmartyr Barbara”) Foster, a parishioner at Sts. Boris and Gleb and Vladimir and Olga Russian Orthodox Church, where Fr. Vasiliy is rector. “And every year I get con — can I say this on the air?”

“We’re not on the air,” replied our intrepid Onion Dome reporter. “I work for an e-zine.”

“A what?” inquired Foster.

“An online magazine,” replied our intrepid Onion Dome reporter.

“Oh. Can you print this word in your online magazine?” asked Foster.

“Depends on the word,” observed our intrepid Onion Dome reporter.

“You know. The word that is what you are when you need a laxative,” said Foster coyly.

“You mean consti-” began our intrepid Onion Dome reporter.

“IS OUTRAGE!” bellowed Fr. Vasiliy. “Nobody used such words in Nineteenth Century Russia.”

“What word did you use?” wondered our intrepid Onion Dome reporter.

“I’d rather not say,” said Fr. Vasiliy.

“Did people get cons– um, did people need to use laxatives after Pascha in Nineteenth Century Russia?” asked our intrepid Onion Dome reporter.

“Yes, we did, although we preferred to saying, purgatives,” whispered Fr. Vasiliy cons–

“DON’T SAY IT!” shouted Fr. Vasiliy.

“CONSPIRATORIALLY!” blurted our intrepid Onion Dome reporter. “I was going to say conspiratorially!”

“Oh,” said Fr. Vasiliy sheepishly. “This you can say.”

“Thank you,” said our intrepid Onion Dome reporter. “Whew. I never realized Nineteenth Century Russians were such Victorians.”

“We just are not liking online toilet humour,” said Fr. Vasiliy.

“You don’t mean…?” asked our intrepid Onion Dome reporter.

“Yes,” said Father Vasilily. “We frown on e-scatology.”

Copyright © 2003-2012 Alex Riggle. All Rights Reserved.

NOTE: Bug Vasileivichivich is no longer a fictional rap star; he is now a fictional parish priest.

The Onion Dome wishes you and yours a joyous feast! Christ is risen!

Click image for a less-fuzzy view.

Copyright © 2012 Alex Riggle. All Rights Reserved.

I met the most gorgeous guy in class today! His name is Drew, and he’s a dead ringer for Cary Grant. We like the same type of music, and he makes me laugh, and…

I should shut up now, shouldn’t I? I’m getting all gooey inside, and I barely know him. More tomorrow–I’ll ask Katya if she knows him. She knows all the Orthodox youth. I wonder if he’s ever been to GOYA?

Anya

*

Dear Diary,

Next time I’m this much of an idiot, slap me.

Anya

*

Dear Diary,

I have it! I’ll drop out of college and join a convent. I’ll get to work on my spiritual life, so I’ll get better at living my life in God now rather than waiting for it to start when I find a husband. I’ll stop spending so much time and money on my hair and other vanities. I’ll finally learn to pray with peace and stillness, and maybe THEN I’ll meet a miracle guy!

That’s completely the wrong motivation for becoming a nun, isn’t it?

Dang nab it.

*

Dear Diary,

Despite my motivation being beyond whacked, I’m still pondering this convent idea. I would like to make my life more spiritually-focused.

Of course, I’d also like to escape Gorgeous Drew, who has now taken to going on–at length–about how religion is the opiate of the people. I should never have asked his views. Never.

Maybe if I leave liberal-arts school and transfer to Seminary…

Anya

*

Dear Diary,

Mom gently pointed out that I’d make a terrible Matushka, so trying to find a husband among men becoming priests might not be a great idea. I’m always late to church. My mouth-filter’s half broken, so I’d offend people constantly. My theology isn’t very strong, and I can’t bake. And I can never remember the days of the week–the parishioners would be horrified every time they saw me gnawing on bacon some Wednesday morning, just ’cause I thought it was Thursday.

Why isn’t this whole marry-and-raise-a-family-in-Christ deal easier? I knew family life would be hard once it started, but nobody told me it’d be this hard to get married in the first place!

Anya

*

Dear Diary,

I finally met a new Orthodox person my age! Sasha’s fantastic. We get along great, we have some friends in common, and we have plans to hang out next week.

Of course I’m talking about a girl. But hey, I’ve been needing a new friend. We’ve been bonding over bad date stories.

Anya

*

Dear Diary,

You know, having a new friend has taken some of the pressure off. It’s nice to know I’m not the only one who feels this way, and we have a lot in common. She knows more lightbulb jokes than I do!

And it turns out Sasha knows Sadie Anderson, my best friend in middle school, and she plays on the same soccer team as my cousin Percy. I love how interrelated the Orthodox community is. Having stuff to laugh about makes me less frustrated in general. It’s been nice.

Plus, Sasha has an older brother…. Awesome.

Anya

*

This post was filed by the terce reporter.

Copyright © 2010-2012 Brigid Strait. All Rights Reserved.

All Orthodox are familiar with the story of Saints Methodius and Kyril, who were commissioned to translate the services of the holy Church into a language “understanded of the [Slavic] people.” We are all aware of the importance of worshiping in a speaker’s native language, and find it quite natural that services are offered in multiple languages throughout the world. And yet, a great deal of misunderstanding and cross words have flowed from a recent project which translated the Divine Liturgy of Saint John Chrysostom into Lolspeak.

“Blezd R teh kingdum uv teh Ceiling Cat, n uv teh Happy Cat, n uv teh H0ver Cat, nao n all tiemz, srsly” begins the much-maligned translation.

“‘Happy Cat’?” asks Yeraslav Penguin, professor of historical liturgics at St Toucan’s Orthodox Seminary and Roadside Icon Shoppe.

“That’s the term used for our Lord Jesus among the speakers of Lolspeak,” explained translator and self-proclaimed “Truf-speekr to teh Kittehz” Thomas Felinus. “No disrespect is intended. The Methodists and Presbyterians have made great inroads among native speakers of Lolspeak, and it’s about time the One True Holy Catholic and Apostolic Church was represented in the Lolcat community.”

“What native speakers? Lolspeak is a joke language invented less than five years ago as a lark,” protested Professor Penguin.

“Scoff if you will, but when our Lord returns in His glory, I’m going to make sure some of the kittehz are there to receive him with joy.”

Felinus began his work after hearing of the monumental Lolcat Bible Translation Project. “Why should there be a Lolcat Bible, but not services of the Orthodox Church?” Felinus reasoned.

“Because it’s stupid,” suggested Professor Penguin.

“I may be just a new convert,” said Felinus, “but I know that we need to reach out to everybody. St. Paul said he became all things to all men to save some.”

“He didn’t become a cat,” observed Professor Penguin.

“Lolspeak speakers are people too,” protested Felinus.

Felinus was helped by the fact that so much of the Liturgy consists of quotes and paraphrases of Scripture and as was noted above, the Scriptures have already been translated. “The rest of it was a breeze,” he said. “Really, the hardest part was ‘Lord, have mercy.’”

“How did you translate that?” asked our intrepid Onion Dome editor.

“Lordcat u kan haz mrcy, kthx.”

Reaction to the new translation has been far from mixed.

“I hate it,” said Metropolitan Bob of the Rump Orthodox Jurisdiction.

“Not acceptable,” said Archbishop Bill of the Hellenic North-and-South Jurisdiction.

“You must be joking,” said Metropolitan Dan of the Syrious Jurisdiction.

“Everyone laughed at Einstein, at Edison, at Mendelssohn,” said Felinus.

“Who laughed at Mendelssohn?” interrupted our intrepid editor.

“Well, okay, nobody, but I like him because his first name is Felix and Felix is the name of a cat,” admitted Felinus.

“Look, you’re seriously loony,” observed our intrepid editor.

“It’s an idea whose time has come!” protested Felinus.

“Oh give it up. I’m going to go talk to someone more sensible.”

“Izzat mean I Noah can haz cheezburger?” asked Felinus.

“Kthxbai,” said our intrepid editor.

Copyright © 2010-2012 Alex Riggle. All Rights Reserved.