Based on a Facebook meme. Text by Donna Farley. Layout by Your Intrepid Editor.

FAWKSWASH, Md. – Allison “Panteleimona” Berry, a newly baptized Orthodox Christian, had been looking forward to her January illumination for about a year. According to her, her baptism fell a bit short of expectations.

“I’d been super excited since I saw an infant baptism a few months ago,” she told the Onion Dome in a recent interview. “I wanted to be presented in the church the same way.”

What was lacking? The sign of the Cross. In the service of Churching a mother and child 40 days after birth, the priest takes the child and “lifts it up in the sign of the Cross before the Gates of the Temple, saying: The servant of God (Name) is churched, in the Name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen.”

“I wanted to be presented in the sign of the Cross,” Berry said. “Was that too much to ask?”

It shouldn’t have been.

With the help of some acolytes, Fr. John (St. John the Short) of St. George’s Church certainly could have lifted the 5 foot 2 inch 22-year-old. Father, however, disagreed.

“I don’t think my back could have held out for it,” Fr. John told us. “But even so, think of the precedent that would set! I have baptized people that are a lot harder to lift than Panteleimona.”

The swiftly growing mission church has seen many baptisms in its short time. In fact, Panteleimona was one of two being baptized that Sunday. When asked about the second person, Fr. John admitted this was part of his reason for denying Panteleimona’s churching. “Christopher is much heavier, yes. It would have been too difficult to manage and I thought there should be uniformity in the service.”

Panteleimona, however, misses what could have been. “I just wish I could have had the experience of being carried in Fr. John’s arms around the church. It would have symbolized perfectly just how much of a spiritual father he is to me. I’m upset to have missed that spiritually.”

Fr. John again cites his lower back problems and maintains he will continue to be a spiritual father to Panteleimona. Except without the carrying.

Copyright © 2012 H. Alethia. All Rights Reserved.

In presenting Orthodoxy to the West, it is important to emphasize similarities between the Orthodox and other Christian faith communities. For those who have a hard time determining what those similarities might be, here is a handy list.

• Pentecostals speak in strange tongues nobody understands. Orthodox worship in Greek and Slavonic.
• Calvinists use strange foreign words like “sola fides” and “sola gratis”. Orthodox use strange foreign words like “interjurisdictional” and “patriarchate.”
• Wesleyans believe in a warming of the heart that indicates salvation. Orthodox have a warming of hearty fare that indicates a potluck.
• Catholics have wonderful pilgrimage destinations in warm, sunny places like Spain and Italy. Orthodox have wonderful pilgrimage destinations in northern Russia and Alaska.
• Church-of-God-in-Christ women wear beautiful hats. Orthodox bishops wear hats.
• Lutherans have a warm and friendly informal spokesman in Garrison Keillor. Orthodox have Frank Schaeffer.
• Baptists have a tacit agreement to not recognize each other in the liquor store. Orthodox have a tacit agreement to not recognize each other in the cheese
  aisle during Lent.

Copyright © 2009-2012 Alex Riggle. All Rights Reserved.

ATHENS HEIGHTS – In a move that surprised exactly no one (except perhaps Mr. Stanley Majors of Pretoria, South Africa), Father Irmanos Spartopolis of Athens Heights, Greece was sent to his room without supper by His Grace Bishop SPARTOS Irmopolis for translating the Divine Liturgy of St. John Chrysostom into modern Greek.

“If ancient Greek was good enough for Moses and Abraham, it’s good enough for us,” said His Grace Bishop SPARTOS through an interpreter.

“But nobody can understand what we’re saying!” complained Father Irmanos.

“Bah! What is understanding compared to grooving on the melodious sound?” demanded His Grace.

Orthodoxy was first brought to the Slavic peoples of eastern Europe by Sts. Methodius and Cyril, who translated the Liturgy into the Slavonic language. St. Innocent of Alaska made the Liturgy available to the native peoples of Alaska by translating the Liturgy into their language, and advised translating the Liturgy into English for the English-speaking people of North America. It has long been the practice of the Orthodox Church to make the liturgy accessible in the language of the worshippers.

“Bah! Is it our fault the Greek people have twisted the language away from the pristine beauty of the language of the Apostles?” interjected His Grace. “If people want to worship God, they need to learn to speak God’s language.”

“Which is, of course, Slavonic,” opined His Holiness Patriarch FEOFAN, Metropolitan of the Russian Orthodox Church In Russia Where It Belongs (ROCIRWIB).

“Ancient Greek!” suggested His Grace.

“Slavonic!” insisted His Holiness.

“Ancient Greek!” repeated His Grace.

“Slavonic!” re-emphasized His Holiness.

“Faux Elizabethan English!” interjected Father John Johnson, rector of All Saints of Middle Class America Orthodox Church, Takoma Park, Maryland, USA.

“Hebrew!” suggested Rabbi Maximillian Goldberg of Temple Beth Shalom L’Chayim, New York.

“Um,” said His Grace.

“Well,” said His Holiness.

“Er,” said Father John.

“Which is all well and good, but nobody in Athens Heights speaks Ancient Greek, Slavonic, Hebrew, or even faux Elizabethan English,” complained Father Irmanos.

“Their loss!” chorused His Grace, His Holiness, Father John, and Rabbi Goldberg.

“I give up!” said Father Irmanos. “I’m sorry I translated the Liturgy. Can I have my supper now?”

“Write 50 times, ‘I will not translate the Liturgy into Modern Greek,’” instructed His Grace, “and you can have supper.”

“I suppose you want that in Ancient Greek?” inquired Father Irmanos.

“Nah. I can’t write in Ancient Greek. I certainly don’t expect you to,” said His Grace.

Copyright © 2002-2012 Alex Riggle. All Rights Reserved.

In Orthodoxy we use a lot of words and phrases that are not common, or are used in an uncommon way, or are from languages other than English. Some of our catechumens and convert families have expressed dismay at learning them. Here’s a handy guide to some of the ones people most commonly trip over.

• Prokeimenon – This is the name for the psalm verses read immediately before the Epistle. Please do not call it the “pro-Pokemon.”
• Troparia – This refers to short, variable hymns sung in the first part of the service. Actually “troparia” is the plural; the singular is “troparion.” “Troparia” does not mean a vocal solo about literary memes.
• Kontakion (plural, kontakia) – This is another kind of short, variable hymn, sung with the troparia. It does not mean somebody from the Bluegrass State.
• Exapostilarion – This is a part of the Canon. It comes from the Greek word for “dismiss,” although it is not a dismissal, so don’t leave when we get to it, I’m looking at you, teens. It does not mean, “People who used to be apostles are funny.”
• All-night vigil – This is an evening service combining vespers and Orthros (see below). Yes, we know it doesn’t last all night. That’s just what we call it. It’s not funny anymore. Please stop bugging Father about it.
• Orthros – This is the Greek word for morning prayer. It is also sometimes called “Matins,” although that’s Latin and thus kinda frowned upon. However:
• Augustine was a Bishop in north Africa at the turn of the 5th century. Despite what some say, he is in fact a saint of the Orthodox Church. Father would like to ask the the parents not to speak disparagingly of the saints, even the ones who are not entirely Orthodox in their theology, and he also asks the teens not to use it as an insult word.
• Akathist – This is a long and beautiful hymn, often written as a song of praise and supplication to the Theotokos or one of the other saints. It does not refer to a devoted reader of Agatha Christie. It’s “a-ka-thist” with a “k.”
• The non-mercenaries – This refers to saints, often medical doctors, who worked out of love for others and not for riches. It has nothing to do with soldiers. The best-known non-mercenaries are Kosmos and Damien. Speaking of which, “Damien” is a man’s name; it does not refer to a British noblewoman named “Ian.” Finally,
• Eis polla eti despota – This means, “Many years to you, master.” We sing it for the bishop when he visits. It does not mean, “This chicken is a tyrant.”

That’s all for now. See me after church if there are other terms you don’t understand, and once I get enough I will put those in a future bulletin. – Matushka Elizabeth (thanks to Deacon Gus for his help)

For those of you not in church this Sunday, or not paying attention, there is no choir practice this Thursday (January 19th). We will resume normal practices on the 26th. It’s important we’re all there on the 26th. We have to learn the new Cherubic Hymn since Father thinks the one we’re using now is sucky, his word not mine.

Since I’ve got your attention, I want to bring some points to your attention, without taking up time in practice.

1. It was an interesting experiment, but when the altos sang the alleluia in the 7th tone while the rest of us were singing it in the 6th tone, it wasn’t strictly speaking liturgically correct. I’ll let you know if it’s not in the same tone as the prokeimenon.

2. When you sneeze, please turn away from the choir and sneeze into your sleeve. Grace McIntosh had to spend some time cleaning her glasses and missed her descant.

3. You all know we’ve been working on diction, and pronouncing our words very clearly. Please don’t sing with your mouth full of antidoron.

4. Please pay attention to your choir director. That’s me. We all need to start singing at the same time. We shouldn’t sound like the Beatles singing “aaah” in Twist and Shout. You teenagers ask your parents if you don’t know what I’m talking about.

5. Speaking of paying attention, can we wait until after the service to pass out the Pampered Chef products that we bought at the party last month?

6. We are not backup singers for a lead vocalist. Please try to blend. Sopranos, this means you.

7. If the tenors could decide once and for all who stands where, it would be less distracting for the rest of us. Speaking of which, the service starts at 9:00. It’s in the bulletin.

8. Since the basses can’t manage to turn the pages without fighting over it, I’m going to make an executive decision. Seraphim Palmer will be the page-turner for the basses. Nobody else will reach for it or try to get it before him. Don’t make me tell Father.

Thank you all for singing in our choir. You sounded lovely this morning, once we were all singing and all in the same tone.

Mat. Elizabeth

________________________________
Copyright © 2012 Alex Riggle. All Rights Reserved.

“Did you know what it was?”

“The tin said it was ‘pate,’” she said dubiously, “which I thought might be some kind of tofu experiment.”

“Katrine, have you ever read the ingredients in a package of Oreos?”

“No, why?”

“It’s utterly vegan.”

She looked dismayed. “The pate was really icky,” she said miserably. “I didn’t know it’d be okay to have the Oreos…Mom doesn’t want me eating dessert during the fasts, so I ate the pate instead. But now I think I wish I’d ate the Oreos.”

“Pâté,” corrected your terce reporter with a twitch. “It’s French.”

“For what? Paste?”

“Er…yeah, more or less. Do you know what it is?”

“Mom says it’s goose. But in Charles Dickens movies they’re always eating goose at Christmastime, so I thought goose was supposed to taste good.”

“Well, it’s only part of a goose.”

“Which part?”

“…the liver.”

Katrine looked horrified. “Shouldn’t that come with some sort of warning label?!”

Your terce reporter grimaced. “I’m so sorry.”

“Why do people eat that?”

“It’s a delicacy.”

“Next you’ll be telling me people eat snails!”

Your terce reporter shrugged. “Hey, at least they’re fasting.”

This report filed by terce reporter Brigid Strait.

Copyright © 2012 Brigid Strait. All Rights Reserved.

Monastic Quidditch at the Church of the Nativity in Bethlehem

“We are not Monophysites!” said Armenian captain Aghexandr Lylozian, “and we’re going to beat the Chalcedon out of you heretics.”

“Is that really the way Christians are supposed to speak to one another?” asked your intrepid editor.

“We have a dispensation from our bishop,” said Lylozian. “Talking Quidditch smack is allowed under ekonomia.”

“How are you going to play Quidditch when it’s an imaginary game that involves flying through the air on brooms and magical, self-propelling balls?”

“Monastic Quidditch is a little different from the game in Mrs. Rowling’s books,” explained Apollonarios. “Instead of flying through the air on our brooms, we swing them through the air at each other. In place of bludgers, we hit each other with our brooms. In place of a quaffle, we throw a broom at the goalie. For the golden snitch, a neutral party (usually a Protestant or other heresiarch) tosses in a golf ball that has been spray-painted gold.”

“Did you think of deciding your disagreement with a Quidditch match because you were using brooms at the Church of the Nativity?” asked your intrepid editor.

“We were playing Quidditch at the Church of the Nativity,” said Lylozian. “The police suggested we take it somewhere safe, where innocent bystanders couldn’t be hit by a loose broom.”

At that moment your intrepid editor was hit by a loose broom. “Hey, I thought you said innocent bystanders couldn’t be hit by a loose broom here!”

“You are not innocent.”

Your intrepid editor considered this, then asked, “Can a Quidditch match really determine once and for all the nature of the second Person of the Trinity? Isn’t that what an ecumenical council is for?”

“Monastic Quidditch is a lot like an ecumenical council,” Apollonarios replied. “Some of those could get pretty rowdy.”

The good father was presumably referring to the First Council of Nicea (325), at which Bishop Nicholas of Myra (yes, that Nicholas) reportedly socked Arius in the jaw over their disagreement concerning the divinity of Christ.

“Agios Nicholas was our side’s best beater,” Apollonarios said. “But he had already lost his broom, so he had to use a different kind of bludger, so to speak.”

“You’re joking,” averred your intrepid editor.

“It’s possible. Are you going to clear the pitch or risk getting another broom in the back?”

“Clearing. One last question: what is the name of your team?”

“We call ourselves, Occupy Bethlehem.”

“That is what we call ourselves!” objected Lylozian.

“Tell it to the broom,” said Apollonarios.

Copyright © 2011 Alex Riggle. All Rights Reserved.

Caffeinated Soap

Shower Shock Caffeinated Soap.

Copyright © 2011 Alex Riggle. All Rights Reserved.

I’m sorry to be writing you out of the blue like this, but Mom suggested I ask you for advice. She says it’s “over her pay grade,” but that you’ll be able to help.

I’ve been dating this wonderful guy, his name is Drew. (Yes, I have Mom’s approval and Father Thomas’s blessing.) He’s twenty-two, a firefighter, and we met while volunteering. He’s kind, we make each other laugh, we can talk so easily about almost everything, he values my opinion, and we have so many of the same interests. We make a great team. We’ve been dating about eight months now, and things are getting serious.

He’s not Orthodox, though he loves God. It’s just been very hard to talk to him about my faith, and every disagreement we have comes down to faith. I don’t want to watch a smutty movie during the fast, I won’t have breakfast with him Sunday before church, he keeps trying to feed me bacon on Fridays, and I can’t for the life of me explain the sacraments–why baptism matters, or why I believe marriage must be in the church versus city hall.

I really like him, Auntie, he’s… he’s not like the others I’ve known, and I’d like to keep him. But the Church is the foundation for my life, and it’s completely foreign to him. He doesn’t understand why suffering is worth it, he hates the fasts, and he feels like our traditions are laws designed to exclude “outsiders.” It’s like he’s trying to protect me by arguing about my faith, as if he thinks fasting threatens me somehow! We can communicate about anything else, but our religious differences are becoming a problem.

He’s come to Liturgy a few times, but he still doesn’t get it. What do I do?

Love,
Katya

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

Dear crazy modern child,

Please to be calling me Baba. You are named for me, I am thinking you can be taking that liberty. I am sorry to be hearing you are feeling blue. Your gentleman sounds like a real sweet-heart, for an American.

Pay your mother more, maybe she will be giving you better advice. I am flattered she is thinking I am to be getting a higher salary. I wish I had more good news.

Katyusha, I am wishing I could take you to the old country. There, all the nice gentlemen were Orthodox. It is being hard enough to find someone trustworthy, much less being a “good team” as you are saying. Finding an Orthodox one, here…! Well, I am praying for you. Have I introduced you to my friend Masha’s grandson? He’s very handsome.

I am to be sending you blini and a borscht recipe. Make the borscht for yourself, you need to eat more. Give the blini to your gentleman; if that doesn’t enlighten him, find a new gentleman. He doesn’t need this fight any more than you do. I know he’s a good one, but perhaps he is not to be your good one, eh?

Do not being worried, dear. I am also sending you tea, so it will be all right.

Love,
Baba

________________________
Copyright © 2011 Brigid C. Strait. All Rights Reserved.