Council of Chalcedon to Be Re-fought on Bethlehem Quidditch Pitch

Posted on January 2, 2012 by

Monastic Quidditch at the Church of the Nativity in Bethlehem

Monastic Quidditch at the Church of the Nativity in Bethlehem

BETHLEHEM – Following a broomstick brawl between priests of the Greek Orthodox and Armenian Apostolic Churches in the Church of the Nativity, the two churches, at odds since their falling out over the definition of Christ’s nature at the Council of Chalcedon in 451, have agreed to decide the theological question once and for all in a game of Monastic Quidditch here in Bethlehem.
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Posted in Current Events, Satire | Tagged , , , , , , | 6 Comments

Have a Hard Time before Liturgy without That First Cuppa?

Posted on December 31, 2011 by

Caffeinated Soap

THINK GEEK – I get no monetary kickback from this, I just thought it would be a useful thing for my friends and readers who really look forward to that jolt in the morning, and for whom fasting before the Eucharist is a trial. A way to get your caffeine without drinking or eating anything. Until the caffeine transdermal patch is perfected, this may suffice:

Shower Shock Caffeinated Soap.

Copyright © 2011 Alex Riggle. All Rights Reserved.

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Tea Fixes Everything

Posted on December 26, 2011 by

Tea LabelDear Auntie Ekaterina,

I’m sorry to be writing you out of the blue like this, but Mom suggested I ask you for advice. She says it’s “over her pay grade,” but that you’ll be able to help.
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A Letter to the Youth Group at All Protestant Convert Saints of North America Orthodox Church

Posted on December 19, 2011 by

Eating a Hot Dog Too QuicklyThe following letter fell into the hands of the Onion Dome staff. We will not say how.

To the servants and handmaidens of the Lord in the high school youth group at All Protestant Convert Saints of North America Orthodox Church:
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Orthodox Tattoo Parlor Opens in Iowa

Posted on December 12, 2011 by

Church TattooIOWA CITY, IOWA – “It’s hard to be young and Orthodox,” explained Bartholomew (“the mad”) Zybek. “We aren’t supposed to act all cool and sullen, since the fruits of the Spirit are peace, love and joy. We have to love our neighbors, even when they act like toddlers on crack. We can’t get up to any hanky-panky before marriage. And we can’t smoke or get worldly tattoos, since our bodies are temples.
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Posted in Rerun, Satire | Tagged , | 2 Comments

Orthodox Chorister Doesn’t Like “When Augustus Ruled”

Posted on December 5, 2011 by

No AugustusTACOMA, Wash. – In a move that has sent shock waves through spleens north and south of the Mason-Dixon line, tenor Bob “Reader Alexiy (Alexiy the Tsarevich and Passion-Bearer (or Martyr, Depending Upon Whom You Ask))” Bridges of Holy Redirection Orthodox Church’s choir complained that he didn’t like the traditional Orthodox Christmas hymn, “When Augustus Ruled.”
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Ask Father Vasiliy

Posted on November 28, 2011 by

"Dear Father Vasiliy" Feather PenFirst posted on December 26, 2003

Fr. Vasiliy Vasileivich is official spokesman for the Church Overseas of Russian Orthodox Christians (COROC), as well as being pastor of Saints Boris and Gleb and Olga and Vladimir Russian Orthodox Church, Sydney, New South Wales, Australia. On occasion (when the fit takes him) he condescends to answer questions posed by Onion Dome readers, which pile up in a special “in-box” dedicated to the purpose here at the offices of Onion Dome Publications. We are pleased to announce that the fit has once again taken the good priest, and thus we present for your edification yet another round of, “Ask Father Vasiliy.”
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