As the dog of a newly-illumined Orthodox Christian, I find that I am making many uncomfortable adjustments as my master transitions from a good, normal, proper and healthy meat- and cheese-based lifestyle to one centered on things like beans and tofu and other potentially harmful substances. Please. If God had meant for animals to eat tofu, why didn’t he give it any flavor?
Before this newest chapter in my master’s life, we had it good. He ate meat or pizza every day, and the house was filled with the wonderful smells of cooking meat or melting cheese. Sometimes burning cheese, but I was able to overlook that in return for the many tasty tidbits I was given.
Now, all that is gone. I will concede that he has taken to eating more fish, which often smells wonderfully strong – but not nearly enough of it. And many other meals have no dog-friendly smells at all. I mean come on, fried onions? Vegetarian spaghetti? Dogs can’t eat nonsense like that. We need meat. Our wild ancestors the wolves didn’t hunt legumes on the open plains. They didn’t stalk TVP. They were not onion farmers.
Now I’m not complaining about the kibble. No, my master is smart enough to not give me meatless dog food. At least, he’s smart enough now. He tried it once and soon realized that if he won’t give me good smells to enjoy, I will give him a few smells of my own. Which apparently he didn’t enjoy. But even the meaty manufactured dog snacks go away during a fast. Seriously, have I been baptised? Have I been chrismated? Have I been illumined? Of course not! I’m a dog. We don’t need baptism or chrismation. We’re holy just the way we are.
It seems to me that the inquirers’ classes at this Orthodox Church of his ought to include a section on how to treat one’s pets, and especially on the importance of meat in a dog’s diet. And that priest of his needs to tell him to GIVE ME BACK MY BONE!
Copyright © 2010-2011 Alex Riggle. All Rights Reserved.
If you like Alex Riggle’s Orthodox-themed satire, you might enjoy his recently-released book, Is Outrage!, which gathers all (but one) of the Father Vasiliy articles from the Onion Dome under one cover. Just sayin’.