Going on a trip soon? Buy your ticket from Orthodox Air, the Apostolic Airline. We may be disorganized and experience some internecine bickering, but we’ll all get to the same place eventually. The following was recorded on a recent flight.
“Good evening and welcome to Orthodox Air. My name is Peter (‘The Holy Apostle’) Graves and it will be my pleasure to be your captain tonight. Please give all attention now to the deacon, er, flight attendant.”
“Wisdom! Let us attend! Please take a moment to familiarize yourself with the emergency exits, and note that the few seats on the bulkheads and around the side of the plane are for Babushki and nursing mothers and people with chronic pain conditions. The rest of you can stand as God intended. You may sit on the floor except when the Gospel is read. As this is an evening flight, Vespers will be served. Please keep the central aisle free and do not stand forward of the iconostasis — I mean cockpit bulkhead.
“Dinner tonight will be potluck, as was mentioned on your tickets when you purchased them. Place your dishes on the tables in the back of the cabin as you board. Choir members and robed clergy will of course be served first. After they have filled their plates, those of you from New Calendar jurisdictions may queue up; those from Old Calendar jurisdictions may get in line 13 minutes later.
“In the event of a loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks with natural incense scents will descend. Those on the left side of the plane will enjoy Gethsemane Rose, those on the right, Russian Forest. In the event of a water landing, your best bet is to say the Jesus Prayer and look for a piece of floating wreckage to hang onto, as we have no flotation devices, those being an invention of the decadent post-Orthodox Latin West.
“All carry-on luggage should be thrown behind the cargo nets in the back of the plane.
“Again welcome, and thank you for choosing Orthodox Air.”
Copyright © 2009-2011 by Alex Riggle. All Rights Reserved.
If you like Alex Riggle’s Orthodox-themed satire, you might enjoy his recently-released book, Is Outrage!, which gathers all (but one) of the Father Vasiliy articles from the Onion Dome under one cover. Yowza.