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COROC Bishops Issue Mutual Denunciations

Bishop's CrownPERTH, Australia — EXTRA — Late Breaking News

AR: Good evening and welcome to Anaxios News. Our top story today is the mutual denunciations issued by the Synod All Aboard, also known as the Church Overseas of Russian Orthodox Christians (or COROC). Each bishop of the Synod has sent out his own individual announcement denouncing exactly two other bishops of the Synod. For insight into how this crisis came about, we turn to our roving correspondent, Father Vasiliy Vasileivich.

VV: Thank you, Reader Alexis. I am having witnessed most odd spectacle in my many days as Russian Orthodox priest. At triennial Synod conference in Perth, Australia, holy bishops of COROC Synod have denounced one another.

AR: I believe I’ve already said that.

VV: I am speaking. Please to be quiet.

AR: Yes, father.

VV: This start when Bishop ARKANGEL propose to denounce Bishop ANDREI for bumping into him in hall. This incite Bishop ANDREI to denounce Bishop ARKANGEL in retaliation, and also Bishop YAKOV for giggling when Bishop ARKANGEL propose to denounce. This incite Bishop YAKOV to … No, wait. Bishop ARKANGEL and Bishop YAKOV are denouncing Bishop YEVGENI, who was to denounce Bishop GAVRIL and Bishop IVAN. I am thinking. Maybe not.

AR: At any rate it sounds like an awful muddle.

VV: This is true. So in order to simplify, Bishops stood in circle in order of alphabet, and each Bishop denounce Bishop to his left, and Bishop directly across from him. This is shown in simple graphic. Please to see Figure 1. Here you are seeing which bishop is denouncing which other bishop.

Circle of Denunciation

Letter of Denunciation

AR: That’s amazing.

VV: Da. Also please to see Figure 2. This is form letter printed by undersecretary to secretary to Archbishop, for all bishops to use as press release. All bishop has to do is fill in appropriate names and dates.

AR: They think of everything.

VV: Why are you to interrupt? This is not football game; I do not need colour commentator.

AR: Yes, father.

VV: Anyway that is end of story for now. Venerable online news source News of Official Orthodox Synods Everywhere

AR: Or NOOSE

VV: Da. Venerable source is saying stay in tune for further developments.

AR: What more can we do?

VV: And this is story. For Anaxios News this is Father Vasiliy—

AR: And Reader Alexis—

VV: Saying goodbye.

AR: Goodbye.

VV: I am already saying that.

AR: Yes, father.

Copyright © 2011 Alex Riggle. All Rights Reserved.

If you like Alex Riggle’s Orthodox-themed satire, you might enjoy his recently-released book, Is Outrage!, which gathers all (but one) of the Father Vasiliy articles from the Onion Dome under one cover. But don’t take our word for it. Buy it and see for yourself!

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About Your Intrepid Blogger

I live in the Tacoma area. When not writing things some people think are funny, I teach technology to 7th and 8th graders at a local middle school.

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