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Near-Tragic Trampling at Clergy Conference

ClergyFirst published in The Onion Dome on March 1, 2006

BOSTON – A near-tragic trampling resulting in massive injuries including many broken bones occurred here at this week’s triennial convention of the North American Synaxis of Clergy Under Bishops in International Dioceses in Union with the Bishop of Istanbul (or NA-SCUBIDUBI).

After a successful day of conference meetings, caucuses and breakaway sessions, the priests and deacons of NA-SCUBIDUBI were seated for a humble repast of spanikopita, vegetarian dolmas, cheese pierogi, and the Mrzzgvian national dish, sbwgf (which inside sources inform a skeptical Onion Dome is an acronym for Something Brown With Green Flecks).

Toward the end of the meal, an unknown priest stepped up to the microphone of the room’s PA system and announced that there was a package at the front desk for Father John. At this point, roughly two thirds of the several hundred clergymen present got up and rushed for the door simultaneously, resulting in a massive collision with near-tragic consequences.

Father John Johnson, parish priest of All Saints of Middle Class America Orthodox Church (RUMPO) in Takoma Park, Maryland, was among those injured.

“I was fortunate to have been at the back of the room, farthest from the door, when the summons came,” said Fr. John from his bed at a nearby hospital. “I escaped with relatively minor injuries.”

Father John Mecklenburg, parish priest of Saints Peter and Paul and Drzgbl the Obscure Bulgarian-Armenian Orthodox Church (Bulgarian-Armenian Northern Archdiocese of North America (or BANANA)) in Yellowknife, Northwest Territories, was not so fortunate. “Ouch,” said Father John from under a mountain of tubes in the intensive care unit of the same hospital.

Fortunately, no clergyman was fatally injured, and hospital officials indicate all hospitalized priests and deacons will be released within the week.

“It could have been a lot worse,” said a conference delegate who asked to remain anonymous. “Many of the Fathers John had their shoes removed and never stood up at all.”

Copyright © 2006-2011 Alex Riggle. All Rights Reserved.

If you like Alex Riggle’s Orthodox-themed satire, you might enjoy his recently-released book, Is Outrage!, which gathers all (but one) of the Father Vasiliy articles from the Onion Dome under one cover. But don’t take our word for it. Buy it and see for yourself!


About Your Intrepid Blogger

I live in the Tacoma area. When not writing things some people think are funny, I teach technology to 7th and 8th graders at a local middle school.

One comment on “Near-Tragic Trampling at Clergy Conference

  1. Very funny, Alex! Supposing one could also use “Rabbi Stein” as well and get the same stampede:)

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