Archive | October 2011

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Debate Over Halloween Leads to Fistfight, Jail for Two Orthodox Believers

First published in the Onion Dome on November 1, 2002 ROCHESTER, NY – In a move unprecedented and unexpected this past week, Orthodox Christians Tom “The Apostle Thomas the Enlightener of India” Hildebraant and Jim “The Apostle James, Brother of our Lord and Bishop of Jerusalem” Wilkins got into a fistfight outside Hildebraant’s suburban home.

Long-Bearded Priest (in a Black Dress)

(apologies to the Hollies) Saturday night I was downtown, Working at the IGA. Wishin’ I could be at vespers, Where the people stand and pray.

Stampede of Children Interrupts Liturgy

OSCEOLA, IA – Seven children rushed to the open the door to the Narthex for Father Dimitri Petrovic to cense, causing a small stampede and knocking over at least three people. “I don’t actually know why I was running,” confessed Masha (“um, don’t you know the Mother of God?”) Gaponenko, aged six. “But Jana and […]

As Overheard by a Fly on the Wall at an Orthodox Conference Planning Meeting

The setting: A small hotel conference room somewhere in the English-speaking world. The occasion: A planning meeting for an upcoming Orthodox clergy conference. The players: Father Hierolambos, a logistics expert who has done this a hundred times before; Father Kephalos, the conference organizer and head honcho; Father Andreas, whose parish is hosting the meeting (for […]

Yet Another Obscure Orthodox Group Lodges Yet Another Complaint

First published in the Onion Dome in September, 2007 VANCOUVER – An official press report from the Orthodox special-interest group OOFFI (Orthodox Opposed to Fast-time Fleshmeat Imagery) has complained about the new music video on Yuri Tube of the Monkle’s latest smash hit, “Eight Prayers a Week”.