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Stampede of Children Interrupts Liturgy

OSCEOLA, IA – Seven children rushed to the open the door to the Narthex for Father Dimitri Petrovic to cense, causing a small stampede and knocking over at least three people.

“I don’t actually know why I was running,” confessed Masha (“um, don’t you know the Mother of God?”) Gaponenko, aged six. “But Jana and other Masha and Niko all were, so I ran too. I thought maybe Batushka was giving out butterscotches, like he does at coffee hour.”

Angelina (“of Serbia”) Maric, aged twelve, was one of the three knocked over by the younger children. “You guys, it was completely immature! Why can’t you just wait by the door, like I used to?” She rubbed her hip, frowning. “That really hurt.”

“Niko got to open it last week, and Jana always gets to, and she blew out all the short candles today!” complained Masha (“I don’t know which, my parents refuse to tell me her story ’cause they say I’m not old enough yet”) Draper-Johnson, eight. “I just wanted a turn.”

“I do not always get to!” objected Jana (“John the Forerunner, my dad was expecting a boy”) Whitaker, nearly eleven. “Not last week, anyway. Besides, Masha’s not tall enough to blow out the candles.”

“I am too!” cried Masha G.

“Me too!” insisted Masha D.

“No, you’re not, you both spray candle wax everywhere.”

“Jana, that’s not fair–”

“I truly appreciate their enthusiasm,” said Father Dimitri wearily, “but I would also appreciate not being elbowed thirty times as they rush to make it to the door before I do.”

“I got to,” said Jana’s little brother Joey (“St. Joseph the Betrothed! He walked all the way to Egypt!”) Whitaker, age five and three-quarters. “Everybody else piled up or got grabbed by their babas on the way. I was walking, ’cause Mama said to always walk in church, so nobody stopped me and it was awesome. I got to open the door for the first time EVER.”

Babushka Nina (“who do you think I am, St. Peter?”) Antipov took all the children aside after Liturgy for an unusually long Sunday School class. None of the children will talk about what happened in the class, but, in Masha D.’s words, “Uh-uh, we’re never gonna do that again.”

This report filed by terce reporter Brigid Strait. Look for more of her posts in upcoming weeks in the Onion Dome 2.0!

Copyright © 2011 Brigid Strait. All Rights Reserved.

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