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A Letter to the Youth Group at All Protestant Convert Saints of North America Orthodox Church

Eating a Hot Dog Too QuicklyThe following letter fell into the hands of the Onion Dome staff. We will not say how.

To the servants and handmaidens of the Lord in the high school youth group at All Protestant Convert Saints of North America Orthodox Church:

It is a great joy to have so many energetic and cheerful young people in our church, and we are all grateful for the many things you do for us, from yard work, to helping in the kitchen, to staying in the youth room during coffee hour so there’s enough room in the fellowship hall for the rest of us to breathe.

I know your eagerness to serve the Lord, and so I am confident you will take the following requests to heart, and act accordingly.

First, although like any red-blooded American male I love powerful cars, please refrain from revving your engines in the parking lot during potlucks and coffee hour. Please be courteous of our many elderly parishioners. The sound of your exhaust can make it hard for some of them to accept that their muscle-car days are over.

Second, the smell of the heavenly incense fills our church with a sense of the holiness of God. It is not necessary for your perfume or cologne to also attempt to fill the temple. Fighting is strictly forbidden in the church building, and this goes not only for the faithful, but also for the fragrances they wear. Your perfume should not get into a wrestling match with the holy incense. Please use a light hand in the application of your fragrances. Do not slather. Dab.

Finally, while three, as the number of persons in the divine Trinity, is a blessed and holy number, it is not necessary to eat every item of food you eat in exactly three bites. This goes especially for such large items as bagels, hot dogs, and Costco-size muffins. Twelve, being the number of the Holy Apostles, is also a holy number, and twelve bites would serve as a suitable alternative to three. Also forty, the number of days in Holy Lent, is an excellent number of bites for eating large food items.

Please also be sure to pick up any particles of food that may fall from your hands or mouth before they are stepped on and smashed into a slippery film. This is especially important now that Mrs. Glubov is walking with difficulty, but refuses to use a walker.

Remember the holy words of our father among the saints Braduphagus, who said, “Blessed are they who eat slowly, for they will actually be able to taste their food.”

Your loving pastor,
The Archpriest Thomas

Feast Day of the Holy Apostle Thomas
In the year of our Lord 2011

Copyright © Alex Riggle. All Rights Reserved.


About Your Intrepid Blogger

I live in the Tacoma area. When not writing things some people think are funny, I teach technology to 7th and 8th graders at a local middle school.

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