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Council of Chalcedon to Be Re-fought on Bethlehem Quidditch Pitch

Monastic Quidditch at the Church of the Nativity in Bethlehem

Monastic Quidditch at the Church of the Nativity in Bethlehem

BETHLEHEM – Following a broomstick brawl between priests of the Greek Orthodox and Armenian Apostolic Churches in the Church of the Nativity, the two churches, at odds since their falling out over the definition of Christ’s nature at the Council of Chalcedon in 451, have agreed to decide the theological question once and for all in a game of Monastic Quidditch here in Bethlehem.

“We’ll show those stinking Monophysites,” said Greek team captain Nikodimos Apollonarios. “Christ has two natures and we’re going to beat you by two points!”

“We are not Monophysites!” said Armenian captain Aghexandr Lylozian, “and we’re going to beat the Chalcedon out of you heretics.”

“Is that really the way Christians are supposed to speak to one another?” asked your intrepid editor.

“We have a dispensation from our bishop,” said Lylozian. “Talking Quidditch smack is allowed under ekonomia.”

“How are you going to play Quidditch when it’s an imaginary game that involves flying through the air on brooms and magical, self-propelling balls?”

“Monastic Quidditch is a little different from the game in Mrs. Rowling’s books,” explained Apollonarios. “Instead of flying through the air on our brooms, we swing them through the air at each other. In place of bludgers, we hit each other with our brooms. In place of a quaffle, we throw a broom at the goalie. For the golden snitch, a neutral party (usually a Protestant or other heresiarch) tosses in a golf ball that has been spray-painted gold.”

“Did you think of deciding your disagreement with a Quidditch match because you were using brooms at the Church of the Nativity?” asked your intrepid editor.

“We were playing Quidditch at the Church of the Nativity,” said Lylozian. “The police suggested we take it somewhere safe, where innocent bystanders couldn’t be hit by a loose broom.”

At that moment your intrepid editor was hit by a loose broom. “Hey, I thought you said innocent bystanders couldn’t be hit by a loose broom here!”

“You are not innocent.”

Your intrepid editor considered this, then asked, “Can a Quidditch match really determine once and for all the nature of the second Person of the Trinity? Isn’t that what an ecumenical council is for?”

“Monastic Quidditch is a lot like an ecumenical council,” Apollonarios replied. “Some of those could get pretty rowdy.”

The good father was presumably referring to the First Council of Nicea (325), at which Bishop Nicholas of Myra (yes, that Nicholas) reportedly socked Arius in the jaw over their disagreement concerning the divinity of Christ.

“Agios Nicholas was our side’s best beater,” Apollonarios said. “But he had already lost his broom, so he had to use a different kind of bludger, so to speak.”

“You’re joking,” averred your intrepid editor.

“It’s possible. Are you going to clear the pitch or risk getting another broom in the back?”

“Clearing. One last question: what is the name of your team?”

“We call ourselves, Occupy Bethlehem.”

“That is what we call ourselves!” objected Lylozian.

“Tell it to the broom,” said Apollonarios.

Copyright © 2011 Alex Riggle. All Rights Reserved.

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About Your Intrepid Blogger

I live in the Tacoma area. When not writing things some people think are funny, I teach technology to 7th and 8th graders at a local middle school.

6 comments on “Council of Chalcedon to Be Re-fought on Bethlehem Quidditch Pitch

  1. That’s pretty good! Rivals Gryfinndor vs. Slytherin!

  2. Good thing they weren’t Buddhist monks who actually know how to fight with sticks or we’d have quite a few dead monks on our hands.

  3. This is really just the Eastern Conference playoff match.The Western Conference playoff, played tomorrow at Worms, features a Roman Catholic – Lutheran grudge match in the Sola Gracia game. The Roman Catholics trusting in their hard work this season to help win the day while the Lutherans, insisting they they are really catholics also in a universal kind of way, are hoping for a miracle. Next week, the Eastern and Western Conference winners will face each other in the final for the Filoque Cup!

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