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Ask Father Vasiliy

Ask Father VasiliyOriginally run August 8, 2003

As a change of pace from our usual articles, this being a slow news week in the Orthodox world, we instead present a feature we’ve been wanting to do for some time: a question-and-answer column featuring Fr. Vasiliy, official spokesman for the Church Overseas of Russian Orthodox Christians (or COROC), parish priest in Sydney, Australia, and father of renowned Orthodox rap star Bug Vasileivichivich. Please note that the answers given are the express opinion of Fr. Vasiliy and do not represent the views of the Onion Dome, Reutorooters, Untied Press Interrational, or any of their subsidiaries, subsidized dairies, or hangers-on. So, without further ado, here’s Ask Father Vasiliy:

Dear Father Vasiliy,

My college roommate, who is also an Orthodox Christian, is currently dating a Buddhist. Is this right?

Signed, Concerned in Cleveland

Dear Concerned:

Is outrage! Was it Orthodox dating of non-Orthodox in Nineteenth Century Russia? (I mean for ordinary people, not for Romanovs.) No it was not!

Signed, Father Vasiliy

Dear Father Vasiliy,

My uncle says that since they drank beer during fasts in Nineteenth Century Russia, it is okay to drink beer during fasts in Twenty-first Century England. I told him I didn’t believe it, but even if it is true it’s probably because the water was bad. But we have good water here. Please advise.

Signed, Outraged in Oxford

Dear Outraged:

What, it is to read about bad habits in Nineteenth Century Russia, and all of suddenly is okay to be copying them? Is outrage! If Nineteenth Century Russian jumped off bridge, would ecumenist uncle of yours be jumping off too? This uncle is in great danger — I am reading that tollhouse #17 is all about drinking beer during fasts! What will his angel have to say? Better he should enter heaven thirsty than to be cast, full of beer, into fiery flames! Of course is better to be cast full of beer into fiery flames than to be cast full of vodka into fiery flames, because vodka burns and beer, it does not burn. That is to say good vodka burns — I am hearing that some American brands don’t even burn. In Russia we had saying, “If doesn’t burn, will not keep you warm.” But I am digressing. Tell this uncle he would better off abstaining from beer during fast.

Signed, Father Vasiliy

Dear Father Vasiliy,

I want to become a monk but my mother wants me to marry her best friend’s hairdresser’s next-door-neighbor’s niece who is a really nice girl and pretty and all that, but I’ve always wanted to be a monk. PS I’m currently a Methodist but am in an inquirer’s class at the local Orthodox church.

Signed, Monk Wannabe in Manitowoc

Dear Wannabe:

Marry girl. Ex-Methodists make lousy monks.

Signed, Father Vasiliy

Dear Father Vasiliy,

Do you eat margarine during fasts?

Signed, Nosy in New Jersey

Dear Nosy:

No. What is this margarine? Is imitation butter, is not? And butter is not fasting food. We must not try to trick selves — if taste buds can be tricked, so can guardian angel, and then what will guardian angel say at eating-butter-during-lent tollhouse (#437, if I am remembering correctly)? Perhaps though you would like to buy tub of new Fr. Vasiliy Brand all-lenten I Can’t Believe Is Edible™ Spread? Is not tasting anything like butter. Tastes pretty bad, to be honest. But is better than dry toast. Sort of.

Signed, Father Vasiliy

Dear Father Vasiliy:

Can you get me two back stage passes to the Bug Vasileivichivich concert next month in Toronto?

Signed, Impressario in Ontario

Dear Impressario:

We are being sorry, but number you are to reach is being disconnected. If you are feeling this to be error, please to hang up and dial again.

Signed, Father Vasiliy

And that’s all the time we have this week for Ask Father Vasiliy. Thanks to everybody who wrote in (okay we will fess up — nobody wrote in — we faked it all ourselves, and see if you’ll get this candid of a confession from any of those so-called “real” advice columnists!).

Copyright © 2003-2012 Alex Riggle. All Rights Reserved.


About Your Intrepid Blogger

I live in the Tacoma area. When not writing things some people think are funny, I teach technology to 7th and 8th graders at a local middle school.

One comment on “Ask Father Vasiliy

  1. It should be noted that when this article was originally published in 2003, Bug Vasileivichivich was an imaginary rap star. He is now an imaginary parish priest. Thank you.

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