Originally posted on May 9, 2003.
SYDNEY, NSW, Australia – In a move presumably predicated primarily upon lack of movement, retailers the world over report that Orthodox Christians bought unusually high amounts of laxative medications in the first week after Pascha.
“Is to be expected,” opined Fr. Vasiliy Vasileivich, spokesman for the Church Overseas of Russian Orthodox Christians (COROC), and father of rising star Bug Vasileivichivich, a little-known Australian Christian rapper.
“-ivichivich?” asked our intrepid Onion Dome reporter.
“Yes. He’s a son of a vich,” said Father Vasiliy drily.
“I can’t believe you just said that,” said our intrepid Onion Dome reporter.
“All these people eat no meat for 56 days,” continued Fr. Vasiliy, quite ignoring our intrepid Onion Dome reporter, “and no cheese for 49 days. Then, all of suddenly, they are eating meat and cheese again. What are you expecting to be happening? If you say ‘nothing’ you are right. So, we are buying of purgatives.”
“Happens every year, mate,” opined retailer Marge Dinkum of Canberra. “Every year, right after Orthodox Easter, here come all these people with prayer ropes on their wrists and pained expressions on their faces.”
“Every year I tell myself I’ll ease slowly back into eating meat and dairy,” groaned Judy (“Greatmartyr Barbara”) Foster, a parishioner at Sts. Boris and Gleb and Vladimir and Olga Russian Orthodox Church, where Fr. Vasiliy is rector. “And every year I get con — can I say this on the air?”
“We’re not on the air,” replied our intrepid Onion Dome reporter. “I work for an e-zine.”
“A what?” inquired Foster.
“An online magazine,” replied our intrepid Onion Dome reporter.
“Oh. Can you print this word in your online magazine?” asked Foster.
“Depends on the word,” observed our intrepid Onion Dome reporter.
“You know. The word that is what you are when you need a laxative,” said Foster coyly.
“You mean consti-” began our intrepid Onion Dome reporter.
“IS OUTRAGE!” bellowed Fr. Vasiliy. “Nobody used such words in Nineteenth Century Russia.”
“What word did you use?” wondered our intrepid Onion Dome reporter.
“I’d rather not say,” said Fr. Vasiliy.
“Did people get cons– um, did people need to use laxatives after Pascha in Nineteenth Century Russia?” asked our intrepid Onion Dome reporter.
“Yes, we did, although we preferred to saying, purgatives,” whispered Fr. Vasiliy cons–
“DON’T SAY IT!” shouted Fr. Vasiliy.
“CONSPIRATORIALLY!” blurted our intrepid Onion Dome reporter. “I was going to say conspiratorially!”
“Oh,” said Fr. Vasiliy sheepishly. “This you can say.”
“Thank you,” said our intrepid Onion Dome reporter. “Whew. I never realized Nineteenth Century Russians were such Victorians.”
“We just are not liking online toilet humour,” said Fr. Vasiliy.
“You don’t mean…?” asked our intrepid Onion Dome reporter.
“Yes,” said Father Vasilily. “We frown on e-scatology.”
Copyright © 2003-2012 Alex Riggle. All Rights Reserved.
NOTE: Bug Vasileivichivich is no longer a fictional rap star; he is now a fictional parish priest.