First posted on August 6, 2004
DETROIT – American automaker Chrysler announced today that it will be undertaking engineering and marketing research with an eye toward releasing the first American-made Orthodox car sometime in the late 10’s.
Chrysler spokeswoman Judy N. Disguise spoke today at a specially-arranged meeting with our intrepid Onion Dome editor in the spacious downtown offices of the company’s Detroit division.
“So,” said our intrepid editor, “What made Chrysler decide to make an Orthodox car?”
“Chrysler wants to be the first in every new automobile marketing niche,” explained Disguise. “We were the first in the former German royalty market with Le Baron, first in the sheep rancher market with the Ram truck, and first in the Upper Midwest Norwegian Bachelor Farmer market with the Dakota. So we intend to be the first in the Orthodox market with the all-new, not-based-on-any-previous-model, designed-from-the-wheels-up Liturgia.”
“So what will be Orthodox about this car besides the name?” asked our intrepid editor.
“Well for starters it won’t go anywhere,” said Disguise. “It will not be possible to take off the parking brake.”
“I see,” said our intrepid editor. “So this will be a $30,000 doorstop, then?”
“Well eventually you will get it to move, using the conciliar method,” said Disguise. “If everybody in the car agrees on where to go, it will start and the brake will release. This will put an end to the pope-like power of the driver, that tyrannical Roman-Catholic design which all previous automobiles have unthinkingly followed.”
“You don’t say,” drawled our intrepid editor.
“And there’s more!” exuded Disguise. “Special incense-burning racks in all the fresh air inlets will keep the interior of the Liturgia smelling like an Athonite monastery.”
“Don’t Athonite monasteries smell like unwashed monks?” pondered our intrepid editor.
“Further, the new and improved airbag system will allow all the passengers to safely get up and move about the car even while it’s in motion, just like in an Orthodox service,” continued Disguise.
“Will it make sure they show up before the Gospel?” asked our intrepid editor.
“And this is the great one—anybody except the driver sitting down while the car is in motion will be whapped by a Babushkamatic™ whapping device,” said Disguise.
“Yes I can see how everybody would want that,” sarcasted our intrepid editor, whose eyes were getting sore from too much rolling.
“Finally, it will only take leavened fuel, not unleavened like they use in Rome.”
“Leavened fuel? What does that mean?”
“You know, when you drive up to the full-service gas station and you have to say, ‘fill it up with unleavened’? What a horrible injustice to our Orthodox brethren. It’s like 1056 all over again.”
“I think you mean unleaded,” offered our intrepid editor.
“Whatever,” said Disguise.
“Look, this is all very flattering, but it’s silly. There is no ‘Orthodox niche’ car market. All that Orthodox people want in a car is what everybody else wants in a car: a reliable vehicle to move people and things that’s reasonably fun to drive, doesn’t burn too much fuel, and has an empty vertical place somewhere on or near the dash where you can mount a Glykophilousa icon.”
“You don’t want piped-in incense in your driving experience?” asked Disguise.
“Not particularly, no,” said our intrepid editor.
“You don’t want conciliar ignition?” asked Disguise.
“Certainly not,” said our intrepid editor.
“You don’t want a Babushkamatic™ to smack you if you sit down during the ride?” asked Disguise.
“Especially not that!” exclaimed our intrepid editor.
“But don’t you want your car to be as much like church as possible?” asked Disguise.
“Not particularly, no,” said our intrepid editor. “The purpose of a car, and the purpose of a church building, are quite different.”
“But aren’t you in the OCA?” asked Disguise.
“Yes, I am, but what difference does that make?” asked our intrepid editor.
“Well, doesn’t the OCA claim to have auto-sell-fully?” asked Disguise.
“I don’t think I should even answer that,” said our intrepid editor.
Copyright © 2004-2012 Alex Riggle. All Rights Reserved.