ROCHESTER, NEW YORK – In a move unprecedented and unexpected this week, Orthodox Christians Tom “The Apostle Thomas the Enlightener of India” Hildebraant and Jim “The Apostle James, Brother of our Lord and Bishop of Jerusalem” Wilkins got into a fistfight outside Hildebraant’s suburban home.
“He said Halloween was wrong, and here he was giving out candy to neighborhood kids,” complained Wilkins, who discovered this fact while taking his own son trick-or-treating on Hildebraant’s block.
“He was the one who convinced me it was satanic and here he is taking his kid around from door to door,” fired back Hildebraant from the jail cell he now shares with Wilkins while the two men wait for bail to be set.
The two men apparently discussed the holiday over coffee after church this past Sunday at Not-Of-This-World Very Orthodox Church of Rochester. “We agreed it was of questionable spirituality, and we would back each other up in presenting our case to our respective families,” whined Wilkins, who when not beating up fellow parishioners is a certified public accountant at a small, local accounting firm. “And what do I find but he’s passing out candy?!”
“This bozo wanted me to agree to not allow our children to celebrate Halloween,” explained Hildebraant, who when not rotting in jail is a volunteer firefighter and appliance repairman. “And I pretended to agree with him, primarily to shut him up.”
“Oh I like that! You were the one who was quoting chapter and verse about witches and the occult from the Orthodox Study Bible, Second Edition, Hardcover, with the Words of our Lord in Red!”
The men’s pastor, Fr. David “David the Ancestor of our Lord and the Man After God’s Own Heart” Slocum, expressed his deep regret and shame over the men’s behavior. “I can’t imagine what they could have been thinking. What poor publicity for our parish, and our faith! Taking his son trick-or-treating? Passing out Halloween candy? I thought I had taught them better than this.”
Wilkins’ wife, Katy “The Greatmartyr Catherine of Egypt” Wilkins, said she might be partly to blame. “I told him to stuff his fancy arguments and take Billy (‘Basil the Great, Theologian and Hierarch’) around the block. I know how Jim hates Halloween, but Billy got this great Harry Potter costume from his grandma and really wanted to show it off.”
“Harry Potter!” exclaimed Fr. David. “Bozhe moi! What is my parish coming to!? That’s almost worse than Halloween!”
Other Orthodox clergy and laypeople we spoke with were less adamant about the “western” holiday.
“Kids love dress-up. I can’t really see the harm in it,” said His Grace Bishop TIMOTHY of the Archdiocese of Everything West of Denver and South of Juneau (RumpOCA).
“It’s a disgrace. Fighting in public over such a silly thing!” said Brother Michael from a chair atop the Church of the Holy Resurrection in Jerusalem, all the time brandishing a cricket bat. “Tell me, Onion Dome reporter dude, that Ethiopian guy over there didn’t move his chair an inch towards us, did he?”
“Needless to be saying, they did not have Halloween in 19th Century Russia,” said Fr. Vasiliy Vasileivich of the Church Overseas of Russian Orthodox Christians (COROC). “You want my Snickers bars? I am always getting Snickers bars in my bag and I hate them. Bleh.”
Copyright © 2002-2012 Alex Riggle. All Rights Reserved.