This story was first run on June 18, 2004
SYDNEY — In a hairy predicament that has beards wagging east and west of the International Date Line, recent Russian Orthodox convert Mac (“Maximos the Confessor”) MacDonald of the of Saints Boris and Gleb and Olga and Vladimir Russian Orthodox Church has discovered he is unable to grow much of a beard.
“It comes in looking pretty lame,” confessed MacDonald in a recent interview. “All the guys were teasing me so I just shaved it off.”
“Is outrage!” shouted MacDonald’s parish priest, Father Vasiliy Vasileivich, who is also the official spokesman for the Church Overseas of Russian Orthodox Christians (COROC), as well as grand prize winner in the Best Beard in the Outback Award five years running.
“Was it clean and smooth chin in Nineteenth Century Russia? I mean not in big city like Petersburg or Moscow, but in tiny village churches? I mean not members of gentry and other upper-class persons, but peasants. Was it? No, it was not. Mostly. Pretty much so. I am thinking.”
“But what can I do?” moaned MacDonald. “Look at this photo!”
He brandished a photograph showing himself with what can only be called a beard by virtue of the place in his face upon which it grew.
“Oh, this is very unfortunate,” admitted Fr. Vasiliy. “You touch this up in PhotoShop, you know.”
“Yes, that will help the photo look nicer, but what about me?” wailed MacDonald.
“Please to get grip on self,” urged Fr. Vasiliy. “Is not end of world. Not everybody can be growing most luxuriant beard in Australia.” Fr. Vasiliy stroked his beard proudly and hammed it up a bit, it must be confessed, for the cameras (of which there were none).
“But what if I want to become a reader, or a deacon?” flailed MacDonald.
“Is costume shop in Sydney. You can buy the fake beard,” suggested Fr. Vasiliy.
“This is like something out of Monty Python,” noted MacDonald.
“You are not being oppressed,” countered Fr. Vasiliy.
“No, I meant the scene where the women are buying fake beards to go to the stoning,” explained MacDonald.
“This was most funny part of movie!” laughed Fr. Vasiliy. “When they are changing their voices to be deep, ‘Not me!’ I mean to say, what is this Monty Python? Surely you are not watching of sinful movies?”
“Oh, no, of course not,” lied MacDonald.
“Pravoslavye,” said Fr. Vasiliy.
“In the meantime what about my beard?” persevered MacDonald.
“You will just have to do without. Was your father growing luxuriant beard?” asked Fr. Vasiliy.
“No,” admitted MacDonald. “Why does that matter?”
“Weak beard is probably running in family,” explained Fr. Vasiliy. “In beard growing, father is pretty accurate barometer of whether son will grow luxuriant beard.”
“Why is that?” wondered MacDonald.
“Well after all, father is son’s next of chin,” grinned Fr. Vasiliy.
“Do you have to go to confession when you tell puns like that?” inquired MacDonald.
“No, bishop has granted me ekonomia to tell puns,” explained Fr. Vasiliy.
“When did he do that?” asked MacDonald.
“At Monty Python movie marathon,” said Fr. Vasiliy.
“You don’t mean…” began MacDonald.
“Oh! Please to look at time! Must be going!” said Fr. Vasiliy.
MacDonald looked at our intrepid Onion Dome editor and shrugged.
Copyright © 2004-2012 Alex Riggle. All Rights Reserved.