Now that ROCOR and the MP are talking about reuniting, SCOBA continues to talk about unity, and even the Ecumenical Patriarch and the Pope are glad-handing, a new schism is threatening to rock the Orthodox world to its foundations: dog people vs. cat people.
Here are some essential differences between the two types:
- Dog people check for non-fasting ingredients by sniffing; cat people carry a magnifying glass and read the ingredients all the way to the end.
- Dog parishes have long lists of greeters who eagerly wait at the door for visitors. When visitors come in, the dog greeters frighten them away by their exuberant efforts to provide reading materials and a place to stand. Cat parishes have a middle-aged woman standing behind the candle desk who, upon seeing a visitor, immediately turns away.
- A dog priest in a cat parish will, within a year or two, be driven out of the priesthood and into real estate sales or teaching junior-high school. A cat priest in a dog parish will, within a year or two, find himself alone at the pulpit looking out over a congregation consisting of his wife and children.
- Dog parishes greet the bishop with an ebullient incapacity for remembering the protocols. Cat parishes provide flawless liturgy; members later compare notes on the bishop’s errors.
- Dog parishes invite the bishop for a picnic or a rafting trip. Cat parishes plan invitation-only wine-tasting parties.
- Dog bishops like the picnic or rafting trip. Cat bishops demand that bouquets of fresh flowers be left in their hotel rooms.
- Dog theologians emphasize the Parable of the Prodigal Son; cat theologians emphasize the 153 fish in Peter’s net.
SCOBA has assigned a committee to look into problems arising from these types. An unnamed source reports that committee members are fighting like cats and dogs.
This report was first filed by Onion Dome rambling reporter Jan Bear on July 23, 2004.
Copyright © 2004-2011 Jan Bear. All Rights Reserved.
Reposted per request from E.R.