5 Comments

eCupid: The Creep Chronicles

Tuesday

From: Sasha
A–quit whining about not knowing anybody. Let’s sign up for eCupid tonight. Come on, we’ll make a girls night out of it.

From: Anya
Fine, you win. But we’re watching both Pride & Prejudice and The Holiday, and you’re making caramel corn.

From: Sasha
Deal.

Wednesday

From: Anya
OK I admit it–last night was fun. Saw a couple of cute Orthodox guys but haven’t talked to any of them. Got any messages yet?

From: Sasha
A few, all creeptastic. One guy said only, “I love your lips” — uh, no.

From: Anya
I see what you mean… The weirdest said, “Hello there!!! how are you doing? just wow! lol you are drop dead gorgeous! luv your hair! 🙂 almost makes me wanna ask if i can be your suga daddie? hehe… so do you like shopping? I would luv to spoil you with gifts! ;-)”
Sash, I’m scared.

From: Sasha
He’s complimenting your hair and offering to take you shopping? I’m confused. Does he want to be your boyfriend or GBF?

From: Anya
I told him I’m cutting back on carbs and asked him to be my xylitol daddy instead. He didn’t know what that meant.

From: Sasha
Bahaha. Next!

Thursday

From: Sasha
Message of the day: “Man You’re a regular Lara Croft. All thats missing is a tiger,a jet and guys with guns.”

From: Anya
I…what?!

From: Sasha
…Can I have a tiger?

From: Anya
NO.

Friday

From: Anya
The Orthodorks are cute. I mean, I don’t consider mentioning St John Chrysostom to be a great pick-up line, but it’s cute.

From: Sasha
As Ella said last week–we don’t mind nerdy guys. We have a nerdy religion.

Saturday

From: Sasha
Hey, do you know David Powers?

From: Anya
Sure, he’s from St Mary of Egypt–I think he’s friends with my cousin.

From: Sasha
OK, well he just messaged me on eCupid. Is he dateable?

From: Anya
Remind me how you feel about superethnic macho types?

From: Sasha
Well crap.

Monday

From: Anya
I had to confess to Fr David about judging them for their grammar.

From: Sasha
I have received so much smut that I’ve started grading it and sending it back for corrections.

Wednesday

From: Sasha
If a guy says he’s into rapping, he should probably know that it has two P’s. Just throwing that out there.

From: Anya
“Do you date dominant more controlling type men? Do you believe in the man being head of household? Do you have a instant messenger or cell to talk further.”

From: Sasha
I have no words. Oh wait, here’s one: BLOCK.

Thursday

From: Anya
Hey Sash, one of the cute Orthodox ones just sent me a message! Good grammar, respectful, introduced himself by name (not WINDCHILLZ-call-me-Chillz like the last guy)…is there hope for the world?!

From: Sasha
I doubt it, but keep me posted.

From: Anya
OK, he just sent me a message with his email, phone, spiritual father and godfather’s name. Little weird.

From: Sasha
Little? Is he planning to bring his mother and the wedding crowns on the first date?

From: Anya
Oh, come on, it’s not that b
He just sent me another message. And one asking why I haven’t responded yet. And…yeah, Sash, I’ll call you later. I have to turn off the computer now.

Monday

From: Sasha
Just FYI: If his priest seems insistent to “wait and pray” before a date, that’s Clergy Code for “I can’t break the seal of Confession, but run fast.”

From: Anya
??? You did a clergy background check on the only nice guy to message you so far?!

From: Sasha
Hey, I have access to the Matushka Network and I’m not afraid to use it.

Tuesday

From: Anya
YOU SHOULD NOT MENTION YOUR VASECTOMY IN YOUR PROFILE I DO NOT WANT TO BE THINKING ABOUT YOUR…AAAAAGH!

Thursday

From: Anya
And the Creep of the Day is…!

From: Sasha
…Yes?

From: Anya
OK, so he said he was a “new kind of old-fashioned.” I asked what kind of old-fashioned that is, exactly.
And he says, “The three piece suit without bank robberies kind of old fashion, or maybe the type of old fashion when you saw a man wearing a burlap sack and a crucifix, you didn’t think he was crazy but rather a man of God. The kind of old fashion where the body of Christ was one entity and not one denomination planting a church to steal members for another congregation, the kind of old fashion where you could find available human bodies acting as conduits for the holy spirit in all churches and not just some. The kind of old fashion where someone may have understood that Martin Luther wasn’t trying to destroy the Church but rather reform it. The kind of old fashion that knows no one man is infallible. Preferably if I can be prideful for a moment the Jesus Christ kind of old fashion without any gnostic teachings but rather free knowledge for all men and women.

From: Sasha
I will gladly die alone.

This report filed by Terce Reporter Brigid Strait, who received every one of these messages verbatim and promptly founded Orthogals.

Advertisements

5 comments on “eCupid: The Creep Chronicles

  1. […] I’m the errant terce reporter for The Onion Dome, and my latest was eCupid: The Creep Chronicles. The difference between this one and most of my articles? This one was almost entirely the […]

  2. “Xylitol daddy” … Windchillz-call-me-chillz … There are too many priceless turns, here, to mention in a comment. In one word? Hilarious!

  3. […] So here we have the short pictorial version from now-defunct tumblr Nice Guys of OkCupid. (Yes–real guys, real excerpts, online dating sucks.) […]

  4. I loved this!!!! And I want a Matushka Network!!!

  5. […] right. I admit that dating can feel like a necessary evil. Sometimes it is the pits. I am excited about a thousand things about my marriage (especially getting to keep the groom!) […]

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: