New Family Too Cute for Liturgy

Plumbing TruckPrayer ground to a halt on Sunday at the Church of All Saints of Southern North Carolina after the arrival of a new inquirer family who were entirely too cute for liturgy.

Parents Jack and Anna Smith, 42 and 40, arrived with their children, Tony, 17, Alexa, 15, Allie, 7, and crawling toddler Sammie, 11 months, and distraction immediately began.

It wasn’t that their clothing was inappropriate, parishioners said. Rather, the problem was the opposite. Barsanuphius Olson, 18, noticed Alexa’s long, printed skirt, mild-colored but well-matched blouse, and earrings that hung down like chandeliers immediately and began thinking of conversation starters. Olson, who is single, said, “After 15 minutes in church, she noticed most of the other women were wearing head scarves, so she went over the scarf basket to borrow one. When she did that, I wanted to propose marriage, but I knew I had to wait until coffee hour.”

Church grannie Natasha Klakhina tilted her head to the left and got stuck saying “awwww” for 10 minutes straight when she saw Sammie crawl quickly across the church. “He crawls like a little bunny rabbit,” she said, noticing that he pushes on both knees at the same time to go forward.

After Allie picked up Sammie and the two of them stood together quietly for the next 20 minutes, church mother Thekla Baker was distracted by jealousy, wondering why her five children, who’d been going to church for years, had to shriek and fight through the services.

When later interviewed, Sammie’s goos and gahs were translated to mean “Orthodox churches are great places to crawl because there aren’t pews in the way!”

Ksenia Anderson, 38, tried to maintain her concentration through the service until just before the Great Entrance, she could not concentrate. She went out to the lobby to call her teenaged daughter, and was heard shouting in to her cell phone, “Get up and come to church in time for coffee hour! I don’t care how late you stayed up last night – there’s this really hot boy here and you have to meet him!”

Nicholas Thompson immediately noticed that Anna had brought a dish for the potluck in to the church, and that it was still hot and wafting succulent smells across the sanctuary. Thompson said he’s usually grumpy about fasting, but this just made it worse. The Smiths live only five minutes from church, so they decided to bring the chicken, sausage and cheese casserole straight from the oven. When later asked, Anna said that she noticed on the church Web site that it was a potluck day, but wasn’t aware that Orthodox people fast 40 days before Christmas, nor that you were supposed to take food dishes directly to the fellowship hall.

The church rector, Fr. Theodosius Davidson, said he noticed all the distracted parishioners. He was starting to get annoyed with then until he noticed that Jack was wearing a collared shirt that said “I ♥ to fix things,” and he had a tape measure on his belt. Fr. Theodosius then looked out the church window to see that the Smiths’ truck had “Heating, plumbing, electrical” printed on the side of it. “As I was reading the litanies, all I could think of were repair projects needed on the church,” Fr. Theodosius said.

The only member of the parish not distracted by their arrival was choir director Lidia Lesh. She did, however, notice the voice of someone in the nave singing the bass part of “Lord, Have Mercy” correctly and on key, and wondered who it was until Tony Smith came over and asked if he could join the choir.

This report was filed by Recovering Reporter Thomas Eric Ruthford.

Copyright © 2013 Eric Thomas Ruthford. All Rights Reserved.


About Your Intrepid Blogger

I live in the Tacoma area. When not writing things some people think are funny, I teach technology to 7th and 8th graders at a local middle school.

4 comments on “New Family Too Cute for Liturgy

  1. I would certainly have invited the visitor to join my choir! When hearing the people at the next table in a restaurant sing “Happy Birthday” to a person in their party, I have been known to ask the good singer to come and sing in my church choir, and they haven’t even visited the church yet. And I can assure you that the guys at our church who always seem to be stuck fixing the furnace or dishwasher or coffee maker at church would go nuts when they saw the tape measure on the belt of the newcomer!

  2. thank you so much for this wonderful description of what is heaven on earth for the
    people who depend on the utility of skills, such as repairing, singing, cooking–
    you get my point. You are a wonderful writer.

  3. nice to see you revert to your old style

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