1. Just because we have “wine and oil” printed on our calendars does not mean we allow underage drinking. But help yourself to the olive oil.
2. We’d love it if you came to church, but saying that you “really dig the Medieval Times theme” probably isn’t going to help.
3. Similarly, you may notice that most of the women in our parish cover their heads in church. It’s up to you whether you want to do this, but please don’t complain, “The other damsels’ scarves are prettier than mine.”
4. If you want to have a date that goes past curfew, it had better be Pascha. And, you’ll have 200 shouting chaperones.
5. We’re working on getting our son to resist various seasonal temptations – for example, pride during sports season, anger during finals week, bacon cheeseburgers during Lent, gluttony during Pascha, and teeny bikinis during summer. Thank you in advance for your support.
6. If he tells you the Life of St. Mary of Egypt, but ends the story before the boat gets to Jerusalem, please slap him hard and send him home alone.
7. If, after dating for some time, you feel very strongly about our son, you should say, “I agape you,” and he can say, “I agape you, too.” At your age, not much more is appropriate yet.
8. If he gives you dried fruit for seven weeks instead of chocolate, please do not be offended. That’s just Lent.
9. We should watch My Big Fat Greek Wedding together, but think of it as a documentary rather than a rom-com. Everything but that part with the girl getting the engagement ring while wearing her bathrobe.
10. If you two decide to “stay through breakfast,” you’d better be talking about church coffee hour.
11. You’ve got a really lovely voice and the choir needs a strong soprano. Would you like to join?
12. Are you sure? We could really use you.
This report was filed by Recovering Reporter Thomas Eric Ruthford.
Copyright © 2014 Thomas Eric Ruthford. All Rights Reserved.