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Rules for Dating Our Orthodox Daughter

  1. It does not matter if the calendar says it is a wine day. It does not matter if you are both in your twenties (or thirties). Wine is for married people, at home. Have some olive oil instead.
  2. Your chances for dating our daughter are helped if you are kind to the grandmothers in the parish, because…
  3. You must pass the Yia Yia Background Check .The Yia Yia network will take care of this. No paperwork need be submitted by you.
  4. Due to the current economy and Father’s great need for all the tithes and offerings that can be mustered, we assume you are mostly broke, so cheap Orthodox dating suggestions will follow this list.
  5. Our daughter does not exist for your entertainment or amusement. Be serious or go home. If you want her to entertain you, come to the parish ethnic festival and watch her dance in a very thickly embroidered ethnic costume. You will not even see her ankles because proper attire includes heavy peasant boots.
  6. If you hear our daughter humming the old 80’s pop song “I need a Hero” please know that she has been sheltered and raised delicately and piously in the Church. She thinks the song is about Greek sandwiches.
  7. Always remember that God is watching you when you take our daughter out on a date…and so is His Mother.
  8. The only overnighter date allowed is Pascha, or the all night Vigil service reading the Psalter. At Church. With Yia Yias in attendance.
  9. Coffee hour may or may not count as a date, depending on your behavior and how many cups of coffee you drink together.
  10. If you take our daughter anywhere in your car, an icon of St. Xenia has to be between the two of you at all times. St. Xenia does NOT like to get squished. St. Nicholas will also do in a punch…I mean pinch.
  11. We were young once and know what you are thinking about. STOP IT.
  12. Dates are for getting to know one another. They are not a marriage proposal. However, for an Orthodox young person, the only possible purpose in dating would be potential eventual marriage, so if that is absolutely out of the question from the start, go visit Yia Yia and she will slap your face in the spirit of St. Nicholas until you come to your senses. After that, Papou and the rest of the older men will take you out for drinks to vet your intentions. YOU won’t get any wine or beer while in their company. Wine is still for married people.
  13. Good cheap Orthodox dating activities:
    1. Reading books together.
    2. Going for a walk through town after Vespers.
    3. Sitting together at coffee hour under the eavesdropping supervision of 50 old women.
    4. Cleaning the parish hall together after coffee hour.
    5. Picnics. In public where there are other people nearish by, preferably at a parish ethnic festival.
    6. Reading the Bible together.
    7. Texting each other.
    8. Wandering through the baby department and homegoods department at the local Walmart or Target, and contemplating the future.
    9. Doing laundry at the laundromat.
    10. Making hummus to take on your Bible Study and prayer picnic. Because a couple that farts together starts together, and if you pray together, you stay together.

If you enjoyed this story you might also enjoy Rules for Dating Our Orthodox Son.

Submitted by guest contributor Ksenia the Managing.
Copyright © 2017 The Onion Dome. All Rights Reserved.


About Your Intrepid Blogger

I live in the Tacoma area. When not writing things some people think are funny, I teach technology to 7th and 8th graders at a local middle school.

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