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Rules for Dating Our Orthodox Daughter

  1. It does not matter if the calendar says it is a wine day. It does not matter if you are both in your twenties (or thirties). Wine is for married people, at home. Have some olive oil instead.
  2. Your chances for dating our daughter are helped if you are kind to the grandmothers in the parish, because…
  3. You must pass the Yia Yia Background Check .The Yia Yia network will take care of this. No paperwork need be submitted by you.
  4. Due to the current economy and Father’s great need for all the tithes and offerings that can be mustered, we assume you are mostly broke, so cheap Orthodox dating suggestions will follow this list.
  5. Our daughter does not exist for your entertainment or amusement. Be serious or go home. If you want her to entertain you, come to the parish ethnic festival and watch her dance in a very thickly embroidered ethnic costume. You will not even see her ankles because proper attire includes heavy peasant boots.
  6. If you hear our daughter humming the old 80’s pop song “I need a Hero” please know that she has been sheltered and raised delicately and piously in the Church. She thinks the song is about Greek sandwiches.
  7. Always remember that God is watching you when you take our daughter out on a date…and so is His Mother.
  8. The only overnighter date allowed is Pascha, or the all night Vigil service reading the Psalter. At Church. With Yia Yias in attendance.
  9. Coffee hour may or may not count as a date, depending on your behavior and how many cups of coffee you drink together.
  10. If you take our daughter anywhere in your car, an icon of St. Xenia has to be between the two of you at all times. St. Xenia does NOT like to get squished. St. Nicholas will also do in a punch…I mean pinch.
  11. We were young once and know what you are thinking about. STOP IT.
  12. Dates are for getting to know one another. They are not a marriage proposal. However, for an Orthodox young person, the only possible purpose in dating would be potential eventual marriage, so if that is absolutely out of the question from the start, go visit Yia Yia and she will slap your face in the spirit of St. Nicholas until you come to your senses. After that, Papou and the rest of the older men will take you out for drinks to vet your intentions. YOU won’t get any wine or beer while in their company. Wine is still for married people.
  13. Good cheap Orthodox dating activities:
    1. Reading books together.
    2. Going for a walk through town after Vespers.
    3. Sitting together at coffee hour under the eavesdropping supervision of 50 old women.
    4. Cleaning the parish hall together after coffee hour.
    5. Picnics. In public where there are other people nearish by, preferably at a parish ethnic festival.
    6. Reading the Bible together.
    7. Texting each other.
    8. Wandering through the baby department and homegoods department at the local Walmart or Target, and contemplating the future.
    9. Doing laundry at the laundromat.
    10. Making hummus to take on your Bible Study and prayer picnic. Because a couple that farts together starts together, and if you pray together, you stay together.

If you enjoyed this story you might also enjoy Rules for Dating Our Orthodox Son.

Submitted by guest contributor Ksenia the Managing.
Copyright © 2017 The Onion Dome. All Rights Reserved.

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Ask Father Vasiliy

Dear Father VasiliyOnce again Father Vasiliy Vasileivich, pastor of Saints Vladimir and Olga and Boris and Gleb Russian Orthodox Church in Sydney, Australia, and first runner-up for the seventh year in a row in the All-Australia Paddleboat Regata’s 100 Meter Splash-Dash, has condescended to answer questions from Onion Dome readers. Welcome, Father Vasiliy!

Dear Father Vasiliy,

I sing in the choir at our church. There is a place in the Liturgy where Father says, “Bow your heads unto the Lord,” but we can’t bow our heads because we’re singing and that blocks off your airway. Matushka, that’s our choir director, tells us to not bow and to keep singing. So either I have to disobey Father, or disobey his wife. What am I to do?

Signed, Confused in Cambridge.

Dear Cambridge,

Like your priest, I am married man. I will pass along to you what we both are knowing: do what your Matushka tells you. In heaven, when choir of angels is doing singing and earthly choir members are allowed to stand with laity, you may bow head during this part. Indeed you may do many things that are forbidden to you, which other worshipers may do now, such as shout “Indeed He is risen!” during Paschal Canon, or walk off the leg cramp, or go to restroom.

Signed, Father Vasiliy

Dear Father Vasiliy,

Our Bishop came and visited. I noticed that he was robed at the door in one robe, then in the middle of the church that was removed and he was robed with a different robe. I couldn’t help but think he looked like a pupating insect. Was that sinful of me?

Signed, Entomologist in Edmonton

Dear Edmonton,

Yes.

Signed, Father Vasiliy.

Copyright © 2017 Alex Riggle. All Rights Reserved.

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Parishioner Brings Home Paschal Greeting in New Language

2013-0504.beer-festival-hobbitsPlum Creek, Michigan, USA — Marsha (St. Joanna the Myrrhbearer) Winthrop brought back the Paschal greeting in a new language, which she learned on a spring vacation in Idaho.

She told fellow worshipers that she attended Holy Week and Pascha services at All Saints of Middle Earth Church in Mystic Lake, Idaho, a town of about 4,000, whose residents live in four ethnic neighborhoods.

“The priest of All Saints, Father Fred (Frodo the Ringbearer) Higgins, was a nice little guy with a deep bass voice and really big feet,” she said of the church where she spent Holy Week during her vacation in a largely Mormon section of Idaho. “He told me that their grandparents were immigrants, but I wasn’t clear where they were from, somewhere in Europe I think, because he kept referring to their new home as the Western Havens. I got the impression they were escaping from a war or something. Maybe World War II.”

She said she found the Paschal banquet entertaining, with a lot of food and many varieties of beer. She especially liked the fireworks, she said, which reminded her of a display she saw at Disneyland.

Although she was unfamiliar with the ethnic groups in Mystic Lake, she said that their affectionate rivalry reminded her of her home parish, St. Anthony of the Desert here, which is a blend of Russian, Greek, Lebanese and Romanian, with some American converts mixed in. The different groups there were almost as distinctive as the ones in her home parish, with two tending to be short and more heavy-set and another tending to be thinner and more fair-skinned. One ethnic group seemed more like the people she saw in Boise, she said.

The townspeople work mostly in mining and forestry, and one couple are philology professors at the University of Idaho in Moscow.

At the banquet, she asked for the text of the Paschal greeting, which was this: “Si Cuielen na i hiro o coi!” and the response is “Ele, Si Cuielan!”

The priest of her home parish, Father Herman (of Alaska) Whiteside, expressed surprise at the new greeting. “I’ve never heard of Sindarin,” he said, “but it’s easier to pronounce than Tlingit.”

Thanks to Barbara Eng.


Copyright © 2004-2016 Jan Bear. All Rights Reserved.
This report was first filed by Onion Dome rambling reporter Jan Bear in April, 2004

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Parishioners Exhausted after Nine-hour Agape Vespers Service

Reading the GospelFLAGSTAFF, Ariz. – Parishioners here at the multi-ethnic Church of All Saints of North America Originally from Somewhere Else were exhausted on Pascha afternoon after a 9-hour Agape Vespers service. In keeping with an ancient and widely-observed Orthodox tradition, All Saints of Somewhere Else celebrates Agape Vespers by having the gospel passage, John 20:19-25, read in as many languages as possible. At Somewhere Else, many, many languages were possible.
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The Paschal Homily of our Father Among the Saints John Chrysostom, Archbishop of Constantinople

Pascal Homily 1 Continue Reading »

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